Charlotte To Host 2019 NBA All Star Game (As Long As NCGA Doesn’t Screw It Up)

CHARLOTTE, NC: The Charlotte Hornets have officially announced (to everyone except the NCGA) the NBA’s decision to allow Charlotte to host the 2019 NBA All-Star Game.

The NBA All-Star Game was scheduled to be in Charlotte this year, but was pulled by the NBA due to backlash over the North Carolina General Assembly’s HB2 law – better known as the “Bathroom Bill.”

Due to the controversy, the Hornets are urging members of the community to avoid mentioning the game to their state lawmakers.

“We are thrilled the league has awarded NBA All-Star 2019 to the city of Charlotte,” team owner Michael Jordan said in a statement, “As long as no one does anything stupid – coughcoughNCGA – the All-Star weekend will provide a tremendous economic impact to our community while showcasing our city, our franchise and our passionate Hornets fan base to people around the world.”

While Charlotteans should be excited and proud, spokespeople for the NBA are advising to avoid posting the news to social media outlets frequented by state senators.

“Feel free to share the news,” an NBA spokesperson said in a private press conference that barred state lawmakers, “but maybe don’t share it where Senator Phil Berger and the rest of the NCGOP can see it, you know what I mean?”

The controversial HB2 law, which vacated legal protections for LGBT citizens and would have barred transgender individuals from using the bathroom of their choice, was officially repealed after considerable pressure from the NBA, ACC, PayPal, Pearl Jam, and more. The state of North Carolina lost billions as the boycott gained international attention.

“I’m just saying, midterms are next year and we don’t want to give the NCGA any ideas,” Jordan said, “It’s just better if we kept this to ourselves.”

 

Charlotte #3 US Banking City: Still #1 in Banker Bros

CHARLOTTE, NC: According to a recent story in the Charlotte Observer, Charlotte is no longer the #2 banking center in the country. Losing the title to San Francisco is a huge blow to the identity of a city built around banking.

But while New York and San Francisco may have Charlotte beat in terms of dollar amounts, they’ll never tarnish the Queen City’s shining cultural jewel: The Banker Bro.

The Banker Bro is a Charlotte institution that has defined the societal milieu of the city since the beginning. Successful, wealthy, confident and khaki-clad, these masters of the universe are worthy of our praise and our vigorous defense.

We visited Fitzgerald’s Uptown to get some Banker Bro reaction to the latest news.

“Dude, like, that’s a total bummer,” said Jake Masterson a junior analyst at Wells Fargo, “But with current market projections the way they are, the st… hold on, Tony is ordering shots. HEY TONE BONE MAKE MINE A DOUBLE HAHA! Sorry, what were we talking about?”

As of press time, the shots had been consumed and another round was being ordered. Down, but never out, the spirit of the Banker Bro, like Charlotte itself, remains defiant and indefatigable.

NCGA Appoints McCrory “Governor For Life”

RALEIGH, NC: In an unprecedented move, the North Carolina General Assembly passed a law in a special session dedicated to helping victims of Hurricane Matthew declaring that outgoing governor Pat McCrory will keep his position for the remainder of his natural life.

The move came after McCrory disputed his election loss claiming widespread voter fraud. The General Assembly decided unanimously that because of this voter fraud, and because they just don’t like democrat Roy Cooper, that McCrory should be installed permanently to the post.

“This was an easy decision for us,” Representative Phil Berger said, “We feel like we have a mandate from the people of North Carolina after this last election to keep Pat in office indefinitely.”

“The people of North Carolina spoke, and we listened!” Berger beamed, over the din of public protests at the state house.

NOT FAKE NEWS: Inside Hillary’s Secret Unicorn-Fighting Ring

hillary-unicorns

WASHINGTON, DC: In a widely-viewed report that is incredibly true and verified by many sources outside of the lamestream corporate owned media, patriotic reporters were able to get inside Hillary Clinton’s vicious illegal unicorn fighting facility.

The farm, which investigators found through the tireless efforts of citizen journalists, housed hundreds of abused unicorns who were held in deplorable living conditions. The unicorns were being trained to fight for the amusement of the Clintons and their cabal of billionaire friends.

The unicorns are the only known specimens of their species, which until recently were thought to be mythical. It’s unclear if they were genetically modified by FEMA scientists to launch an attack on conservative values, or if they were simply found and bred for their own entertainment.

President Elect Donald Trump is expected to tweet about the unicorns as soon as this article reaches his timeline.

 

“It’s Just a Dumb Game” Says Man Whose Life Revolves Around Game

CHARLOTTE, NC: Local sports fan Ben Clementine was admittedly heartbroken over his favorite team losing their opening game of the year, but remained resolute.

“It’s just a stupid game anyway,” said Clementine, who plans his entire life around said game, “It doesn’t even matter.”

Clementine, whose face was painted in the team’s colors while wearing a large wig on game-day, said that even though he is a fan he won’t let his life be affected by it.

“There are so many bigger issues in the world, man,” said Clementine, who can name every player on the 53 man roster going back for 10 years but cannot name his congressman, “At the end of the day you just got to let it go.”

As of press time Clementine, who has missed 3 weddings and the funeral of his great-aunt due to his fandom, was posting nasty messages on opposing teams’ social media accounts, while taking regular breaks for jags of inconsolable sobbing.

“It’s just whatever, you know? I’ve got so much else in my life going on.”

I Ate Nothing But Spider Webs for a Week and Now I Wish I Never Accepted This Internship

When my editor asked me to write this story, at first I thought she was joking. If only. I remember the conversation like it was yesterday, but really it was this time last week:

“Remember that part in Shrek where he eats spiderwebs instead of cotton candy?!,” she chortled in the middle of a meeting about something else entirely.

“Well, yeah I kinda do,” I said apprehensively, knowing that my internship hinged on keeping this unhinged woman happy.

“Oh man, that was the best. And your generation is super into Shrek, right?” she asked.

“Uh, well, I guess so,” I stuttered.

“Oh! You know what would be an awesome piece? ‘I ate nothing but spiderwebs for a week!'” she exclaimed, “Like on Vice! I’d click that!”

I tried to hide my horror and nodded.

“I know! You should write it!”

At first I thought she was messing with me, but her earnest stare pierced through the awkward silence of the conference room, and I was overcome by a horrifying revelation: If I didn’t eat spiderwebs, I’d almost certainly lose my unpaid internship here and I’d never get to be a writer anywhere ever again.

So, I did the only thing I could do: I said yes.

“Great!” my editor exclaimed, “Let me go fish down that cobweb in my office and we can get started!”

Day 1

Well, I suppose you could say the first day started right then and there in my cubicle. My editor poked at the pesky cobweb in the corner of her office with a broom stick, and scuttled her way toward me, broom fully extended like a knight jousting.

“Ewwwwwww!” she yelled as she walked through the cubicle maze to my desk. People from all around the office stood up at their cubes to witness the commotion, murmuring confusedly to each other.

The next thing I knew, there was a spiderweb dangling inches from my face. A crowd had gathered and between their stares and the crazed look in my editor’s eyes I knew I had no choice.

The crowd was chanting, “Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!”. A few were trying to be clever and sing the Weird Al song of the same name. But all I could hear was my own heart beating in my ears.

“Do it!” my editor prodded, “Pretend it’s cotton candy!”

I gently grasped the spiderweb from the end of the broomstick and inched it toward my face. The strings stuck to my chin and nose, but most of the web entered my mouth. I tried to chew, but it mainly just dissolved into sticky nothingness – much to the delight of my jeering coworkers who cheered like they’d seen the game winning play at a sporting event.

The elated crowd eventually dissipated, and my editor patted me on the back and said, “There, that wasn’t so bad was it?!”

1

Eating spider webs is like eating cotton candy only horrible.

Day 2

I showed up to the office the next day feeling quite embarrassed. People whispered and giggled as I walked to my desk.

Taped to my computer monitor was printout of a 60’s Spiderman meme.

22442412

I tore down and crumpled up the paper, only to notice a small shoebox on my desk that I’d never seen before. It was blank expect for the word “lunch” scribbled on the top in sharpie. I reluctantly opened it, and to my horror it was filled to the brim with densely packed spiderwebs, teeming with squiggling spiders trying to escape.

I inadvertently let out a scream, and this is when my editor walked by.

“Oh hey! I see you got your lunch for today!” she said, smiling. She kept walking, laughing to herself.

Later that day, we had our weekly staff meeting which is normally held over lunch from my favorite sandwich place.

I reached for sandwich and suddenly felt a hand on my wrist.

“What do you think you’re doing?” my editor said, “I already packed your lunch!”

She handed me the box of spiderwebs and a spoon, and proceeded to watch me eat it in front of the entire office. I struggled to hold back tears as each sticky strand stuck to my face, collecting like slimecoated hairballs in the back of my throat. I could hardly breathe. I felt spiders crawling on my tongue and lips trying to escape their awful fate, but to no avail.

After the box was empty and the laughter died down, the meeting continued as scheduled.

spiders

Day 3

The next day I came to work a broken man.  People who were laughing at me yesterday now looked at me with a terror they would normally reserve for a serial killer or a deranged homeless man. Most averted their eyes.

I managed to go the entire day without eating anything, and snuck out the back door at the end of the day to avoid my webbed fate.

I made it home and finally relaxed. I decided that I deserved some real food. Fuck this assignment. I ordered a pizza. I put on Netflix and chilled until the pizza arrived.

When the delivery guy came to the door, he gave me my pizza box but seemed like he was holding back laughter.

I looked down at my pants to see if I was wearing any – which had been an issue before – but I was indeed fully clothed.

I tipped him and took the pizza inside, but noticed that the box was suspiciously light.

Just then a spider scuttled out of the box. I dropped it, and when I did I saw that it was jam packed with spider webs!

Day 4

I tried to just go on with my day as normal, but every restaurant in the entire city had a picture of me and was told not to serve me anything but spider webs.

At work, they set up a cotton candy machine that they used to make giant spider web balls for me to eat. They even put them on cupcakes and made a whole Halloween themed spread. They laughed maniacally as I ate it.

Spider's Den Trunk or Treat (3 of 25)

Day 5

So. Hungry. Spies. Everywhere. Can’t. Eat. Food. Just. Spider. Webs.

Day 6

f  f  akp;a[e]e]\e\\\a[dhf f d/dz/;a’fjp89 3y  n .,………………… i h9 .,apdf8y e ajfph aghahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha9ehf0ha jka;kdjlkd

sjkdphapoh073073 jnfd;ajdf?!!?!?!??!!??!!??!?!?!?!?!

jaudh9a87g93;aklnfad

wolf-spider-eyes

“Why do you keep eating my home?”

Day 7

“You did it!” she happily exclaimed after I slurped up the last of the spiderwebs on my desk, “How do you feel?!”

“Honestly? I feel like I want to die,” I groaned weakly, “I hate you, and I should never have taken this stupid internship.”

She cackled with delight, “Save it for the article, bud! It’s gonna be great!”

 

God On Acid

Religious Leaders Confirm Creator Of Universe Trippin’ Pretty Hard Right Now

EARTH: Religious Leaders including Pope Francis I, His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, The Archbishop of Canterbury, Bartholomew I of Constantinople, The Jathedar of Akal Takht, and various leading Rabbis, Muftis , Clerics, Imams, Pastors, Priests, Preachers, and that jerk from Scientology have all determined that God is on drugs.

Spiritual leaders came to this conclusion through their observations of world events and their religious interactions with the Divine Ruler of the Universe that confirm that He is, like, totally trippin’ His face off right now.

“The Lord has revealed through His divine grace, that He is wacked out of His freakin’ gourd,” said Pope Francis in a speech from the Vatican, “Seriously, He’s  trippin’ balls.”

Citing recent unprecedented and historic events such as the violent attempted coup in Turkey, climate change, the Brexit vote, Pokemon Go and whatever the hell is going on with Donald Trump – religious leaders of all faiths are quite certain that our Lord and Savior is high as a damn kite.

“The other day, I was praying to our Lord in the usual way,” Bartholomew I said, “And I heard His voice! Hallelujah! But then I realized what he was saying. ‘Dude, what if I microwaved a burrito so hot EVEN I COULDN’T EAT IT!’… He then proceeded to laugh for like, twenty minutes.”

The Creator of the Universe could not be reached for comment, but as of press time He had 3 children walk off of a cliff while playing Pokemon Go, which experts interpret as some kind of statement on the allegations.

“All I know is I don’t want to be around when He comes down…” His Holiness The Dalai Lama said, “Whew boy! That’s gonna be one hell of a mess!”

Everything In Charlotte is Dumb

You’re Wrong: All The Stuff You Like Is Stupid

CHARLOTTE, NC: The things you enjoy about living in Charlotte, North Carolina are wrongheaded falsehoods that are overrated and therefore you should feel bad.

Whenever you’re enjoying a craft beer at a sparkling new brewery with your dog, you’re actually wrong. You’re not enjoying it because it’s dumb. There are too many breweries in Charlotte, and there aren’t enough other things. Breweries make beer and beer is gross and there’s too many types of beer so can we just stop already?

Popular Things Are Dumb

I remember going to a brewery when it first opened, and I thought, “Man, this is pretty cool!” But then I saw how popular it got. Parking was a mess. There were hardly any seats. Beer was more and more expensive. People brought dogs and babies by the boatload. And then I realized – now that this is popular I hate it.

Charlotte Needs New Stuff

Even though all I do every week is go to breweries, there should not be any more breweries being built. I think that something new needs to be introduced to revitalize the city. I don’t have any specific ideas, but I mean everyone likes yoga right? Maybe a yoga bar that also is a brewery you can bring dogs to? Just brainstorming. 

Pokemon STOP App Launches for Lazy PokeMasters

Walking, Interacting With Other Humans No Longer Required

TOKYO: Gaming giant and Pokemon creators Nintendo announced today that they will be launching a new app targeted at Pokemon GO players who are too lazy to actually walk around. The new game Pokemon STOP will be the same game, except with no GPS locator – so it will not respond to the environment around you, nor require you to walk in order to play.

“The biggest criticism we’ve gotten so far from Pokemon GO players is that they’re tired from all the walking,” Nintendo CEO Tatsumi Kimishima said in a press conference, “Now, we have fixed this issue with our newest game Pokemon STOP!”

The game will also feature more dialogue and more Pokemon, though at the cost of less dynamic graphics. The game will not be available on smart phones, but on a device known as a “Nintendo Gameboy”. The “Gameboy” device features a Custom 8-bit Sharp LR35902 core at 4.19 MHz processor,  8 kB internal S-RAM, and a revolutionary black on green display.

Game-Boy-FL

Despite this, gamers are welcoming the decision.

“Man, I love Pokemon GO but I hate walking!” said 16-year-old gamer Brice Danvison, “This is gonna be soooo sick, though! I can play in class now!”

One Day

One day it’ll all make sense. We’ll look back on today and laugh – well, maybe not laugh but at least smile bemusedly, shaking our heads with the gentle rebuke that accompanies seeing an embarrassing childhood photograph – “What WERE we thinking?”

One day, we’ll see this moment in history as the prelude to a terrifying, uncertain time. That time right before the certainty came. That time when words came cheap and violence happened to other people. We were so innocent. So naive. What were we so scared of? We didn’t even know. But we would.

One day, we will tell our children about the violence. About the innocent people shot in the street, bleeding live on videos streamed to all of our pockets. Cops, terrorists, deranged men with assault rifles slaughtering unarmed men, women and children in churches, schools, cars, sidewalks, nightclubs. They’ll look wide-eyed in jawdropped horror. “No, that can’t be,” they’ll say, “You’re messing with us. That never happened.”

One day, we’ll look back on the comments, on the tweets, on the blogs, on the multitude of opinions swirling like sharks sensing blood in the water. We’ll read them and cringe – in our minds we were better than that. We are right now and must have been right then, right? It’ll seem so embarrassing that we felt so passionately, thought so wrongly, were so infuriatingly ignorant, hated so openly. Where did this come from? What were we on about?

One day, we will look back and realize how much better we are together than apart.

One day, we’ll unite against the people who have been consistently scheming to keep the status quo – because it benefits them.

One day, our country, our world, will be optimistic again. We’ll look to the stars and see the infinitesimal nature of our species’ tenuous grasp on existence and laugh. We’ll guffaw, giggle, chuckle, chortle, we’ll roll on the floor, slapping our knees, unable to breathe when we think of the brutish, hateful past. It’ll just be too much to imagine ever being real. How could we be so ignorant, violent, rude, and uncompassionate?

One day, we will love each other like we are one human family, and our petty squabbles will be laid to rest – unless we are all laid to rest first.