NC Businesses May Now Legally Prohibit LGBT People From Pooping
Law Also Bans Cities From Having Governments
DURHAM, NC: In a rousing special session of the North Carolina General Assembly, which cost taxpayers thousands of dollars, Republican leaders successfully banned all protection for lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered individuals in the state from discrimination in a heroic act of partisanship.
By drafting the bill in secret, and only allowing the members of the legislature 5 minutes to read it, the patriotic Republican leaders also were able to negate every non-discrimination bill in the state, while also preventing city and county governments from passing ANY laws that conflict with their narrow-minded interpretation of federal anti-discrimination laws and, indeed, Christian moral values.
“This law is a victory for all heterosexual poopers who want to poop in peace without rapists, er I mean ‘Transgendered’, people attacking them,” Republican Speaker Pro Tempore Paul Stam said, “I believe it was Jesus who said in the Bible, ‘Everyone different than me is a sexual predator and must be discriminated against at all cost.’ I forget which verse that was, but it’s in there. Go check!”
Also included in the landmark bill was the idea that local governments were no longer allowed to create laws that run counter from state law in protecting minorities, raising the minimum wage, and more.
“Today is a wonderful day for socially regressive, tyrannical bigots everywhere,” NC Governor Pat McCrory beamed while signing the bill, “By ensuring that cities and counties can’t create or enforce their own laws, we are ushering in a new day of ‘small government’, in that me and my small group of friends should be the only ones with any governmental power.”
There will be a victory parade held in the state capitol of Raleigh this weekend to celebrate all of the persecuted white heterosexual Christians who scored a rare victory in the culture wars that have been plaguing them since the War on Christmas. Lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgendered people, blacks, hispanics, jews and Democrats will be (legally) barred from attending the parade.