The NBA All-Star Game was scheduled to be in Charlotte this year, but was pulled by the NBA due to backlash over the North Carolina General Assembly’s HB2 law – better known as the “Bathroom Bill.”
Due to the controversy, the Hornets are urging members of the community to avoid mentioning the game to their state lawmakers.
“We are thrilled the league has awarded NBA All-Star 2019 to the city of Charlotte,” team owner Michael Jordan said in a statement, “As long as no one does anything stupid – coughcoughNCGA – the All-Star weekend will provide a tremendous economic impact to our community while showcasing our city, our franchise and our passionate Hornets fan base to people around the world.”
While Charlotteans should be excited and proud, spokespeople for the NBA are advising to avoid posting the news to social media outlets frequented by state senators.
“Feel free to share the news,” an NBA spokesperson said in a private press conference that barred state lawmakers, “but maybe don’t share it where Senator Phil Berger and the rest of the NCGOP can see it, you know what I mean?”
The controversial HB2 law, which vacated legal protections for LGBT citizens and would have barred transgender individuals from using the bathroom of their choice, was officially repealed after considerable pressure from the NBA, ACC, PayPal, Pearl Jam, and more. The state of North Carolina lost billions as the boycott gained international attention.
“I’m just saying, midterms are next year and we don’t want to give the NCGA any ideas,” Jordan said, “It’s just better if we kept this to ourselves.”
CHARLOTTE, NC: According to a recent story in the Charlotte Observer, Charlotte is no longer the #2 banking center in the country. Losing the title to San Francisco is a huge blow to the identity of a city built around banking.
But while New York and San Francisco may have Charlotte beat in terms of dollar amounts, they’ll never tarnish the Queen City’s shining cultural jewel: The Banker Bro.
The Banker Bro is a Charlotte institution that has defined the societal milieu of the city since the beginning. Successful, wealthy, confident and khaki-clad, these masters of the universe are worthy of our praise and our vigorous defense.
We visited Fitzgerald’s Uptown to get some Banker Bro reaction to the latest news.
“Dude, like, that’s a total bummer,” said Jake Masterson a junior analyst at Wells Fargo, “But with current market projections the way they are, the st… hold on, Tony is ordering shots. HEY TONE BONE MAKE MINE A DOUBLE HAHA! Sorry, what were we talking about?”
As of press time, the shots had been consumed and another round was being ordered. Down, but never out, the spirit of the Banker Bro, like Charlotte itself, remains defiant and indefatigable.
Local Businessman Just Needs Funding, Office Space, Logo, and Business Idea To Launch “Disruptive” Start-Up
Founder Promises Start-Up Will Be the “Uber” of Something.
CHARLOTTE, NC: Adam Devonte has a dream: to be the next Elon Musk. All he needs is a little help (and a good idea) and he’s certain his business will rocket to the top of the local business community.
“Charlotte is a great city to launch a start-up,” Adam said, “We want to be disruptive, and use Big Data to shift the paradigm away from the current modes of thinking.”
Adam has wanted to be a leader in the tech sector since he saw the movie “Jobs” on an airplane to his grandmother’s house.
“Steve Jobs, I mean, wow. He’s definitely my hero,” Adam effused, “The way that he changed the game was… just game-changing. I have a Steve Jobs quote framed on the wall of my apartment and everyday I look at it and I think, ‘That could be me!’.”
When asked which industry his start-up was choosing to disrupt, the would-be billionaire demurred.
“I’m not sure,” Adam said, “Definitely something Tech driven, but probably focused on like, Big Pharma? I want to be the Uber of something”
“Or maybe I’ll just start a brewery, I don’t know.”
Adam has launched a GoFundMe page, and is pledging one item or hour of his service once it’s launched to all of the initial backers.
“I’m so happy that the community has rallied behind me and my crowdsourcing campaign,” he said, “Once I know what business I’m launching, I can’t wait to share whatever it is I do with those backers who have been there since the beginning.”
With all the controversy surrounding North Carolina’s “House Bill 2”, which bans convicted rapists from wearing dresses and legally raping women in bathrooms, my social media is blowing up. I see all of my bleeding heart liberals friends posting things calling people who favor HB2 “anti-gay” and “bigots”, but this couldn’t be further from the truth!
I’m a manly man who once wore a dress. And I still support HB2.
The sick and twisted City Council of Charlotte for some reason thought it was a good idea to pass a law that allowed men to wear dresses and rape anyone they wanted. As a man who once wore a dress, let me tell you that you wouldn’t want me anywhere near your daughter’s bathroom! Even though I totally did wear a dress with two inflated balloons for boobies doesn’t mean that I’m gay (I have had a lot of sex with women), but it also doesn’t mean that I should be able to run into a bathroom with little girls.
Diversity is good – except for these sick weirdos
Our city was founded on diversity, and that is what makes us strong. When I go to Plaza Midwood or NoDa I see all sorts of weird tatooed freaks, and I’m totally okay with it (though I do try to high-tail it the hell out of there as quickly as possible!). Apparently, getting holes in your face and switching genders are what today’s young people are into. And more power to them! Like I said, I put on a wig and pretended to be a dumb broad one Halloween – I get it. But men who sneak into girls bathrooms just so they can take advantage of tiny defenseless baby girls is just wrong and they don’t deserve a law protecting them!
I don’t hate gay people, just rapists
No one likes rapists, right? So why are so many people in Charlotte suddenly in favor of rape?? I can’t get it. Trust me, I have had sex with many women consensually and I’d never need to rape anyone so I wouldn’t even know what a rapist was thinking, but if I were to want to rape someone, this law would have let me! Isn’t that sick??
Look, we all want to go into the girl’s bathroom but we don’t.
Sure, when I was a kid I snuck into the girl’s locker room so I could get a peek. And yes, I watch a lot of upskirt pornos, and I mean, yeah technically my fraternity brother “raped” a girl when I was in college (she was into it, but totally lied about it), but that’s not what I was talking about. These animal urges to hurt women are totally natural, but you can’t act on them! And making a law to support these urges is totally wrong.
Thank you Governor McCrory and the General Assembly for passing HB2 as every narrow-minded homophobe wanted.
CLT Mayor Bans All Non-Essential Employee Travel to North Carolina
CHARLOTTE: Joining boycotts by the ACC, NCAA, the NBA, New York City, Seattle, West Virginia and many Fortune 500 companies, Charlotte Mayor Jennifer Roberts announced that the Queen City will boycott North Carolina based on the controversial HB2 measure, which removes protection from discrimination for LGBT individuals.
“We cannot in good conscience do business with a state that is so behind the times on equality,” Mayor Roberts said, “Therefore, we are hereby banning all non-essential employee travel to North Carolina and advise our employees to not purchase anything in North Carolina.”
The North Carolina General Assembly’s swift and unprecedented measure was written and passed within 13 hours – with only 5 minutes for delegates to read the law. The law reverses Charlotte’s anti-discrimination measure and prohibits cities and counties from creating ordinances that would protect lesbian, gay, and transgender people.
“North Carolina is a national embarrassment,” said NC Senator Jeff Jackson, “And we are advising our constituents in the Charlotte area to not step foot in such a backwards state.”
Ever recalcitrant, Governor Pat McCrory responded at a press conference, “Fine, we don’t need your stupid city anyway. The Panthers and Hornets are lame, we have Duke so screw you guys with your gay rapist poopers.”
NC Businesses May Now Legally Prohibit LGBT People From Pooping
Law Also Bans Cities From Having Governments
DURHAM, NC: In a rousing special session of the North Carolina General Assembly, which cost taxpayers thousands of dollars, Republican leaders successfully banned all protection for lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered individuals in the state from discrimination in a heroic act of partisanship.
By drafting the bill in secret, and only allowing the members of the legislature 5 minutes to read it, the patriotic Republican leaders also were able to negate every non-discrimination bill in the state, while also preventing city and county governments from passing ANY laws that conflict with their narrow-minded interpretation of federal anti-discrimination laws and, indeed, Christian moral values.
“This law is a victory for all heterosexual poopers who want to poop in peace without rapists, er I mean ‘Transgendered’, people attacking them,” Republican Speaker Pro Tempore Paul Stam said, “I believe it was Jesus who said in the Bible, ‘Everyone different than me is a sexual predator and must be discriminated against at all cost.’ I forget which verse that was, but it’s in there. Go check!”
Also included in the landmark bill was the idea that local governments were no longer allowed to create laws that run counter from state law in protecting minorities, raising the minimum wage, and more.
“Today is a wonderful day for socially regressive, tyrannical bigots everywhere,” NC Governor Pat McCrory beamed while signing the bill, “By ensuring that cities and counties can’t create or enforce their own laws, we are ushering in a new day of ‘small government’, in that me and my small group of friends should be the only ones with any governmental power.”
There will be a victory parade held in the state capitol of Raleigh this weekend to celebrate all of the persecuted white heterosexual Christians who scored a rare victory in the culture wars that have been plaguing them since the War on Christmas. Lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgendered people, blacks, hispanics, jews and Democrats will be (legally) barred from attending the parade.
As I was driving home the other day, I noticed a person operating some kind of personally powered machine in the road. It was like a car, but only had two wheels – lined up from front to back and not side to side – with a small seat attached. The man was rotating his legs around at tremendous speed, somehow causing the wheels to be set in motion.
The automobiles that were riding behind this befuddling be-spoked bumbler had to practically STOP DRIVING in order to pass, as the pilot of the vessel REFUSED to yield to our technologically superior transportation option. It took me literally an EXTRA QUARTER OF AN HOUR to get home that day, during which time my dog ate chocolate and died.
What just happened??
Bicyclists Must Be Stopped
When I got home I googled this infernal gadget and found out it was called a “Bicycle.” The “bi-cycle” or “two wheeled cycle” is a man-powered machine that is infesting Charlotte’s streets and many cities around the world. Some cities have had to cave to the growing bicycle lobby’s demands and have actually stopped law-abiding citizens from driving on parts of their own roads, designating them “bike only lanes.”
This is an outrage!? Where does it end? Outlawing automobiles in favor of these shortsighted sweat-jockeys?! Everyone knows that roads are made only for automobiles – the American invention that the entire world has adopted due to its brilliance.
Automobiles drive on highways and byways, roads, bridges and tunnels, and all other God-given motorways that are the lifeblood of our city and our democracy. Bicycles, or “Bikes” as some punk hoodlums call them, are used in illegal rickshaws, lewd “Extreme Games” competitions, and something called a “Tour Day France”, which doesn’t sound like something red-blooded Americans need clogging up their cities!
Solution: Behead Bicyclists
Once I noticed these technological monstrosities, I started to see them everywhere! Plaza Midwood and NoDa are particularly burdened with the makeshift machinery. I can only see one solution: behead bicyclists.
It’s the only language these peddle punks understand. Honking at them does no good. Swerving menacingly and flashing rude hand gestures are nothing-doing.
HOWEVER, before I embark on this bloody rampage, I’d like to get the support of my fellow Charlotteans. What do you think? Should we spare the lives of these boneheaded bike-bums, or should we rise up and take back control of our city streets before it’s too late??
Carolina Quarterback Wins Landslide Write-in Campaign in North Carolina Primary Election
CHARLOTTE, NC: Panthers quarterback Cameron Newton won both the Democratic and Republican North Carolina presidential primaries today. In a landslide victory, the NFL MVP picked up all 72 Republican and 107 Democratic delegates in the state, putting him well ahead of Marco Rubio, John Kasich and Martin O’Malley.
Despite not being on the ballot, nor old enough to legally be the President, the popular Carolina quarterback released a statement on his Facebook page:
“1 want to THANKuGODforG1ViNGmeTH1Splatform🙌🏾👼🏾🙌🏾👼🏾🙌🏾👼🏾🙌🏾👼iW1LLbeFOREVERgreatfu1 to PANTHERNAT1ON for forming äBONDthatW1LLneverBEbrøken! We need an•1NNOVATiVE•nat1on•that•BR1NGS•us•ÂLL
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There is no word yet on how Democratic candidates are taking the news, but a Republican front-runner Donald Trump had this to say:
“This guy, this ‘Scam’ Newton guy, this guy, look, I know he’s popular but what does he actually do? He’s throwing a ball! ‘Oh look at me I can throw a ball’ Okay? This loser plays football, but I owned an entire football LEAGUE, that’s YUUUGE. A whole league, okay? He doesn’t even own a football, I owned an entire LEAGUE? What a loser.”
CHARLOTTE, NC: A new brewery is shaking up the Charlotte craft-beer scene today with the opening of “Bark & Baby Brewing.”
“Look around any Charlotte brewery and what do you see? A bunch of babies and puppies having a great time with a bunch of obnoxious adults ruining the fun!” said founder Bill Kowalski, “So we decided to cater to that under-served market.”
The controversial new brewery will only serve canines and human beings under the age of 3. Beer will be served in bowls on the floor and in craft beer bottles with nipples.
“Some may say that babies shouldn’t drink beer,” Kowalski said, “But I’ve seen way more belligerent drunk adults than drunk babies, you know? It’s the grown-ups that are ruining beer culture for responsible babies everywhere. And the dogs love it!”
The new brewery will feature a wide selection of beers for their clientele, including: “Rockabye Rye”, “Cold Snout Stout”, “Lageradoodle”, “Bitch in Heat Wheat”, and “Pacifier Pils”.
The brewery will also feature selections from craft-breweries like DogFish Head, Leghumper Porter, and DuClaw’s “Sweet Baby Jesus”.
BrewCeption: Brewers Will Brew Beer Inside Existing Beer Brewery
CHARLOTTE, NC: The craft beer boom in the Queen City has another major player as “Queen City Brewing” opened their doors today inside of NoDa Brewing.
“We are very excited to be able to share our passion for beer with Charlotte,” said owner and brewmaster Chris Osweiler.
The new brewery decided to open inside another brewery so that patrons can order beer while they are waiting for a beer at NoDa.
“There are so many great breweries in town, but we’re just running out of places to put them all,” Osweiler said, “So the double-brewery just makes sense.”
Calling the concept “Brew-Ception”, Osweiler shared his longtime passion for brewing.
“I’ve wanted to become a brewmaster ever since I was little and my fraternity brother got me into his awesome homebrew,” Osweiler said, “And for 24 painstaking months I searched for a way to share my passion for hops with the world. Now I can!”
The first run of beers should be expected sometime this summer. Queen City Brewing says they don’t know what the beers will taste like or what ingredients they’ll use, but he already has several “bitchin'” names in mind.
“I’m thinking stuff like ‘The Hoppinator’ or like, ‘Hops Skip & Jump’, or maybe like, ‘Clothing Hop-tional,'” Osweiler effused.