Pokemon STOP App Launches for Lazy PokeMasters

Walking, Interacting With Other Humans No Longer Required

TOKYO: Gaming giant and Pokemon creators Nintendo announced today that they will be launching a new app targeted at Pokemon GO players who are too lazy to actually walk around. The new game Pokemon STOP will be the same game, except with no GPS locator – so it will not respond to the environment around you, nor require you to walk in order to play.

“The biggest criticism we’ve gotten so far from Pokemon GO players is that they’re tired from all the walking,” Nintendo CEO Tatsumi Kimishima said in a press conference, “Now, we have fixed this issue with our newest game Pokemon STOP!”

The game will also feature more dialogue and more Pokemon, though at the cost of less dynamic graphics. The game will not be available on smart phones, but on a device known as a “Nintendo Gameboy”. The “Gameboy” device features a Custom 8-bit Sharp LR35902 core at 4.19 MHz processor,  8 kB internal S-RAM, and a revolutionary black on green display.

Game-Boy-FL

Despite this, gamers are welcoming the decision.

“Man, I love Pokemon GO but I hate walking!” said 16-year-old gamer Brice Danvison, “This is gonna be soooo sick, though! I can play in class now!”

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Prayers For [INSERT TRAGEDY HERE]

Today, we are all united in mourning for the tragic and senseless loss of life in [NAME OF CITY]. Once again, [POLICE / TERRORISTS / A NATURAL DISASTER / A DERANGED LONE GUNMAN / A MAN DRIVING A TRUCK THROUGH A CROWDED STREET / OTHER] took the live[s] of [AN] innocent [UNARMED BLACK MAN / GAY NIGHTCLUB ATTENDEES / IMPOVERISHED COMMUNITIES / SCHOOLCHILDREN / PEOPLE ON THE STREET / OTHER].

Our world is aghast by the grizzly details that have been circulating online and in the news. We are horrified by the images of violence and death that have been inescapable these harrowing hours. We will never forget where we were when we heard about [NAME OF TRAGEDY].

Most of all, we want to keep the family[ies] of the victim[s] in our thoughts and prayers. Long after the news cameras leave [NAME OF CITY], the family[ies] will have to live with the eternal pain of knowing that their loved one[s] would still be with us if not for today’s events. No amount of words can replace the love that was lost in today’s heartbreaking tragedy.

It seems like we’re in a state of perpetual mourning. Once we start to heal from the wounds of one man-made tragedy, another horrifying act of violence is ready to pick the scab and start the bleeding anew.

We must not sit idly by while [POLICE / TERRORISTS / NATURAL DISASTERS / DERANGED LONE GUNMEN / OTHER] ruin our world and endanger the safety of our families. If we want to leave a better world for our children, we must unite today to fight for effective change that can make a lasting impact on the future of our planet.

If we do not act decisively now, then the horrifying loss of life today will have been in vain. We are better than this. Do it for [NAME OF CITY].

Inflammatory Headline Provokes Heated Reaction

Unread Article’s Provocative Headline Gives Commenters Just Enough to Rant About

Charlotte, NC: Based on the content of the headline alone, hundreds of internet commentators somehow had just enough information to form wildly biased and inaccurate arguments today. Despite the article having 0 views, social media users found countless ways to insult, berate and chide each other through the use of GIFs, memes, hashtags, and illogical, misspelled missives.

The humble headline, though only 5 words long, incited heated reactions on both sides of the issue, who resorted to name-calling and immature mudslinging within minutes of the article going up.

Many raised objections to the publishing of the article itself, though they had not read it.

“Can’t belive this libtard rag published ANOTHER stupid post. Unfollowed!” one comment vented.

“Typical convservative BS! Learn to spell before you embarrass yourself more, idiot! #DeleteURAccount” responded another.

Many used the headline as a prompt to bring up unrelated issues that were, in their minds, tangentially related.

“Oh great, first this and than they’ll come to take away are guns. Whatever happened to freedom?! #ThanksObama” an anonymous commenter added, though the article he or she didn’t read did not mention guns in any conceivable way.

“Maybe they shud take away ur guns, butthole! Have u been watching the news? Grow up.” responded an another anonymous account.

Though the reactions were ignorant, uninformed nonsense, the publisher of the article is collecting the feedback for use in a future article. They plan to make a slideshow of every angry tweet in an attempt to increase views for their advertisers.

As of press time, no evidence points to the article having been read.