Pokemon STOP App Launches for Lazy PokeMasters

Walking, Interacting With Other Humans No Longer Required

TOKYO: Gaming giant and Pokemon creators Nintendo announced today that they will be launching a new app targeted at Pokemon GO players who are too lazy to actually walk around. The new game Pokemon STOP will be the same game, except with no GPS locator – so it will not respond to the environment around you, nor require you to walk in order to play.

“The biggest criticism we’ve gotten so far from Pokemon GO players is that they’re tired from all the walking,” Nintendo CEO Tatsumi Kimishima said in a press conference, “Now, we have fixed this issue with our newest game Pokemon STOP!”

The game will also feature more dialogue and more Pokemon, though at the cost of less dynamic graphics. The game will not be available on smart phones, but on a device known as a “Nintendo Gameboy”. The “Gameboy” device features a Custom 8-bit Sharp LR35902 core at 4.19 MHz processor,  8 kB internal S-RAM, and a revolutionary black on green display.

Game-Boy-FL

Despite this, gamers are welcoming the decision.

“Man, I love Pokemon GO but I hate walking!” said 16-year-old gamer Brice Danvison, “This is gonna be soooo sick, though! I can play in class now!”

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One Day

One day it’ll all make sense. We’ll look back on today and laugh – well, maybe not laugh but at least smile bemusedly, shaking our heads with the gentle rebuke that accompanies seeing an embarrassing childhood photograph – “What WERE we thinking?”

One day, we’ll see this moment in history as the prelude to a terrifying, uncertain time. That time right before the certainty came. That time when words came cheap and violence happened to other people. We were so innocent. So naive. What were we so scared of? We didn’t even know. But we would.

One day, we will tell our children about the violence. About the innocent people shot in the street, bleeding live on videos streamed to all of our pockets. Cops, terrorists, deranged men with assault rifles slaughtering unarmed men, women and children in churches, schools, cars, sidewalks, nightclubs. They’ll look wide-eyed in jawdropped horror. “No, that can’t be,” they’ll say, “You’re messing with us. That never happened.”

One day, we’ll look back on the comments, on the tweets, on the blogs, on the multitude of opinions swirling like sharks sensing blood in the water. We’ll read them and cringe – in our minds we were better than that. We are right now and must have been right then, right? It’ll seem so embarrassing that we felt so passionately, thought so wrongly, were so infuriatingly ignorant, hated so openly. Where did this come from? What were we on about?

One day, we will look back and realize how much better we are together than apart.

One day, we’ll unite against the people who have been consistently scheming to keep the status quo – because it benefits them.

One day, our country, our world, will be optimistic again. We’ll look to the stars and see the infinitesimal nature of our species’ tenuous grasp on existence and laugh. We’ll guffaw, giggle, chuckle, chortle, we’ll roll on the floor, slapping our knees, unable to breathe when we think of the brutish, hateful past. It’ll just be too much to imagine ever being real. How could we be so ignorant, violent, rude, and uncompassionate?

One day, we will love each other like we are one human family, and our petty squabbles will be laid to rest – unless we are all laid to rest first.

Prayers For [INSERT TRAGEDY HERE]

Today, we are all united in mourning for the tragic and senseless loss of life in [NAME OF CITY]. Once again, [POLICE / TERRORISTS / A NATURAL DISASTER / A DERANGED LONE GUNMAN / A MAN DRIVING A TRUCK THROUGH A CROWDED STREET / OTHER] took the live[s] of [AN] innocent [UNARMED BLACK MAN / GAY NIGHTCLUB ATTENDEES / IMPOVERISHED COMMUNITIES / SCHOOLCHILDREN / PEOPLE ON THE STREET / OTHER].

Our world is aghast by the grizzly details that have been circulating online and in the news. We are horrified by the images of violence and death that have been inescapable these harrowing hours. We will never forget where we were when we heard about [NAME OF TRAGEDY].

Most of all, we want to keep the family[ies] of the victim[s] in our thoughts and prayers. Long after the news cameras leave [NAME OF CITY], the family[ies] will have to live with the eternal pain of knowing that their loved one[s] would still be with us if not for today’s events. No amount of words can replace the love that was lost in today’s heartbreaking tragedy.

It seems like we’re in a state of perpetual mourning. Once we start to heal from the wounds of one man-made tragedy, another horrifying act of violence is ready to pick the scab and start the bleeding anew.

We must not sit idly by while [POLICE / TERRORISTS / NATURAL DISASTERS / DERANGED LONE GUNMEN / OTHER] ruin our world and endanger the safety of our families. If we want to leave a better world for our children, we must unite today to fight for effective change that can make a lasting impact on the future of our planet.

If we do not act decisively now, then the horrifying loss of life today will have been in vain. We are better than this. Do it for [NAME OF CITY].

Inflammatory Headline Provokes Heated Reaction

Unread Article’s Provocative Headline Gives Commenters Just Enough to Rant About

Charlotte, NC: Based on the content of the headline alone, hundreds of internet commentators somehow had just enough information to form wildly biased and inaccurate arguments today. Despite the article having 0 views, social media users found countless ways to insult, berate and chide each other through the use of GIFs, memes, hashtags, and illogical, misspelled missives.

The humble headline, though only 5 words long, incited heated reactions on both sides of the issue, who resorted to name-calling and immature mudslinging within minutes of the article going up.

Many raised objections to the publishing of the article itself, though they had not read it.

“Can’t belive this libtard rag published ANOTHER stupid post. Unfollowed!” one comment vented.

“Typical convservative BS! Learn to spell before you embarrass yourself more, idiot! #DeleteURAccount” responded another.

Many used the headline as a prompt to bring up unrelated issues that were, in their minds, tangentially related.

“Oh great, first this and than they’ll come to take away are guns. Whatever happened to freedom?! #ThanksObama” an anonymous commenter added, though the article he or she didn’t read did not mention guns in any conceivable way.

“Maybe they shud take away ur guns, butthole! Have u been watching the news? Grow up.” responded an another anonymous account.

Though the reactions were ignorant, uninformed nonsense, the publisher of the article is collecting the feedback for use in a future article. They plan to make a slideshow of every angry tweet in an attempt to increase views for their advertisers.

As of press time, no evidence points to the article having been read.

 

69 – In Defense of the Only Funny Number

Happy 6/9 everyone!

LOL CLT

Happy 6/9 - Summer LOLstice

It’s June 9th, and for the more mature crowd out there it’s just another boring Tuesday. But for the juvenile jokesters of the world it is a holiday: it’s 6/9. Which looks like 69, which is hilarious. At LOL CLT I’ve declared this day the Summer LOLstice – a day to celebrate that most immature and fleeting of pleasures: the world’s only funny number.

Ah, sixty-nine. The bane of math teachers everywhere. The last bastion for comedy in the bleak quantitative world of number theory. I myself have fond memories of sniggering conspiratorially in middle school mathematics at the mere mention of that hilarious integer lurking slightly before 70. Back then, I had only the faintest of ideas what that number signified. All I knew was that it had something to do with sex, and that was enough to cause my juvenile mind to quiver into a gelatinous mass of uncontrollable giggling.

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BREAKING: Comedy Open Mic List Scandal

Host of Open Mic Doctored Sign-up List to Favor Funny Comedians

CHARLOTTE, NC: In a shocking scandal that is rocking the comedy world, Corey Robertson, local comedian and host of the weekly amateur open mic night at the Fort Mill Comedy Zone is accused of altering the order of the sign-up list in order to favor comedians that he personally knew were funny.

“This is a disgusting perversion of justice,” said Charlie Wisenheimer, president of the National Association of Comedians, “The open mic sign up list is a sacred thing. If we abandon the hallowed tradition of the rule of law, then we will plunge into anarchy.”

According to a statement by the victim of the heinous crime “COMEDIAN JAY HAHA”, he was first to sign up on the list, and yet was next to last to perform at the open mic.

“This racist-ass cracker SAW my damn name on the list, and then when his friends walked in, all of a sudden they’re up next!” said Mr. Haha, who is unemployed and has never performed anywhere but open mics, “It’s bullshit!”

Robertson, for his part, is not denying the charges.

“I run this open mic for free, I don’t even get a free drink,” the racist-ass cracker said, “I mean, it’s Fort Mill so when I saw these professional comedians who were headlining at The Charlotte Comedy Zone walk in, I had to let them up while the crowd was still awake!”

Asked about the victim of his irresponsible actions, Robertson asked, “Who?”

“OH! That guy! Yeah, he always goes up and makes everyone feel really awkward,” Robertson recalled, “Last week he almost started a fight by saying he was going to ‘fuck this bitch’ in the front row sitting next to her boyfriend. I had to get the bouncer…”

A spokesman for the Fort Mill Comedy Zone could not be reached for comment, though the bartender who answered the phone indicated that Wednesday night is Karaoke and confirmed that $3 Bud Lights are on special.

 

Wasting Money on Social Media Advertising - LOLCLT

I Wasted Money So You’d See This

I Ran Paid Social Media Ads So You Would Read This, But I Shouldn’t Have

Today, online media is more crowded than ever. There are literally millions of articles on millions of websites vying for your attention. “Did you see the latest dress this celebrity wore?” the headlines ask. “People are Outraged Over This Thing!!! You’ll Never Guess Why!” they blare.

With so much competition in the marketplace, organic, grassroots social media and blog content from small blogs such as this one have little-to-no chance of reaching people’s eyeballs. What happened?

Algorithms Are Gonna Get Ya

It used to be, in the “good ol’ days” of social media, that you’d just see the articles that you liked, from the people you knew and trusted. Well, those days are over. Why? Simple: Money. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest and more have changed their newsfeeds in order to prioritize advertising and sponsored content.

This means that posts made by your friends in the last few hours (which is normally what you’d see when you scrolled through your social media pages) have been bumped down and jumbled up in order to present more sponsored content provided by advertisers.

The Great Paywall of Social

The effect has been devastating for blogs such as this one, which relied on organic impressions in order to “go viral”. It used to be, if we posted a blog at the right time of day with the right hilarious headline, then people would see it in their timelines and share it. However, now content from this site is hidden behind a “paywall”, meaning that unless we pay Facebook and/or Twitter then you’ll never see it. Well, a few of you will. Hi mom!

If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late

If you’re reading this, I greatly appreciate it. I’m not going to say I work “hard” on this project (my update history would beg to differ), but I am passionate about writing things that make people laugh.

I’m not complaining or whining about anything – I’m just playing the game. So, I spent a few bucks so this would rise above the paywall and you’d actually be able to see it. Was it worth it? Well, I’m not so sure about that. You tell me!

Like, Comment, Share this article here on WordPress and on your social media outlets to show your support. As always, feel free to follow us on Facebook and Twitter. Thank you!

~Z

 

5 Tips To A Healthy Life No One Will Ever Read

If you’re like many of us, you want to get healthy but can’t figure out how! There are so many blogs dedicated to helping find a healthier you, but no one ever reads them and no one will ever read this either so what’s the point?

Without further ado, here are the top five health tips that you can do today to make your life better, but you won’t because no one will ever even read this useless blog!

No one will ever see this, so why am I even bothering to put in alt text?

This is a stock photo of a woman drinking water. It’s the featured image on a blog no one will ever read.

1. Drink Water

Did you know that most people don’t drink enough water? You probably did know that, actually, because there are literally millions of useless blogs out there that state this daily. You should drink 8 cups of water a day. If you need to read a blog to tell you to drink water, you’re probably already dead because no one will even read this. But, hey I did search for an hour looking for a stock photo of a woman drinking water, so that’s something I guess. I wonder what she’s up to right now? Does she know her face is attached to this useless garbage?

2. Exercise

Exercise is a great way to get exercise! It has many health benefits, unlike this blog which is of no benefit at all except to this website’s SEO score. Speaking of SEO did you know fitness, jogging, running, swimming, biking, and lifting weights are all types of exercise? Yes, yes you did know that and even if you didn’t, you don’t know it now because you’re not reading this.

3. Eat Small Meals

A number of small meals each day is a good tip that I stole from some other blog that no one ever read for this blog that no one will ever read. Does anyone ever do this? “Oh, I know what I’ll do,” said no one ever, “I’ll read this blog and then do what it says and completely change all my eating habits.” Man, this blog is so freakin’ pointless. Good thing you aren’t reading it!

4. Take Breaks

Sitting all day at work can be bad for your health. Especially if your job is writing stupid blog content on a page no one will ever even visit. I could literally say anything right now and it wouldn’t matter because no one will read this. Did you know that reading blogs causes cancer? Nope, you don’t know that because you would have to read this and also it’s not true.

5. Meditate

Yeah, I’m sure that this is the blog that you’ll read that will finally make you start meditating. Yup. This is it. This blog. Looking to make a huge life change? This blog is the place to find it. I really don’t know why I’m even writing this. Will it help my Search Engine Result Page (SERP) ranking? Meh, probably not. Even if it does, who cares? If a million people visit this site, then I’ll just have to write more stupid bullshit articles like this one that no one will even read.

Follow these five steps and you’ll be the first person in history to ever actually read such a abjectly needless SEO blog post and benefit in any way! I hate my life.

SATIRE DEAD

World So Absurd Parody Impossible

EVERYWHERE: Comedians everywhere bowed their heads and observed a moment of silence in mourning as the National Association of Comedians (NAC) today declared satire dead.

Satire, the use of irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics, was one of the oldest forms of comedy.

However, recent events including Donald Trump securing the Republican nomination for President, Trayvon Martin’s killer auctioning off his murder weapon, North Carolina’s governor suing the Federal Government over where queer people can poop, and whatever “Blac Chyna” is, have finally eviscerated the venerated style of humor.

“Nowhere to Go”

Comedians cite the sheer lack of possibilities for comedic exaggeration as one cause of the demise of satire.

“For example, how can you make a joke about Donald Trump being President?” said NAC president Charlie Wisenheimer, “What do you exaggerate? His looks? He’s the caricature of a greasy slimeball. His policy positions? Everything he says is painfully hyperbolized- he literally speaks only in superlatives. There’s nowhere to go.”

“Don’t even get me started on these so-called celebrities,” Wisenheimer added, “What can you say about Kanye and Kim Kardashian? Their lives are already elaborate jokes.”

Due to this and countless other ineffably absurd and hopelessly illogical realities, the possibility for creating satire has been extinguished.

World’s Oldest Humor

Satire is often regarded as one of the first forms of comedy – making its debut around the time of Aristophanes wrote the play “The Frogs” in 405 BCE.

Notable satirists include Johnathan Swift, whose famous screed “A Modest Proposal” suggested that overpopulation could be solved by the rich purchasing and eating the infants of the poor.

French philosopher Voltaire vivaciously eviscerated the French aristocracy (and just about everyone else) with his satirical polemics.

In the modern era, Mark Twain frequently employed satire to communicate his criticism of 19th century America. Twain once remarked:”It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.”

Even more recently, shows like “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” and “Last Week Tonight with Jon Oliver” have reinvigorated the idea of political satire in 21st century America.

RIP Satire (400 BCE – 2016 CE)

However, that is all in the past now. The use of humor to illuminate the absurdity of modern society has been crushed by the weight of the actual terrifying nonsensical nature of our current sociopolitical landscape.

“It’s a shame,” NAC president Wisenheimer said, “Because it was just starting to get good. Oh well, I guess when we have a President who was literally the star of his own reality show where he insulted people, then we can just watch stuff like that. It won’t be funny, or insightful, but it’ll be something.”

Parenting: EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IS KILLING YOUR KIDS!!!!

mom blogger

LOLCLT Mommy Blogger: Cheryl DeHough

You see it a lot: blogs telling you that this food or that toy is going to literally kill your child. News reports on television warn parents to watch out for creeps trying to kidnap their children. Every day millions of people online discuss the dangers of toxic chemicals that are hidden in everyday products. WELL GUESS WHAT IT’S ALL TRUE! EVERY WORD OF IT!!! YOU SHOULD FREAK THE HELL OUT RIGHT NOW!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LITERALLY EVERYTHING IS KILLING YOUR KIDS

From their toys, to their food to the air that they breathe, every single thing on the entire planet Earth is currently attempting to MURDER YOUR INFANT. If there is an item that physically exists in the metaphysical realm in which we inhabit, it is currently hatching a sinister plan to slowly and violently destroy the precious life that you are working to nurture.

How did this happen? How did everything become so deadly?

EVERYTHING IS MADE OF POISONOUS CHEMICALS

Chemicals are an undetectable killer. Lead, formaldehyde, carbon monoxide, BPA, sodium, parabens, proplyene glycol, gasoline, radioactive waste, Teflon, and battery acid are all examples of toxic chemicals that ARE IN EVERYTHING IN YOUR HOME! These insidious molecules are currently COURSING THROUGH THE VEINS OF YOUR BELOVED LITTLE ONES. If you or your baby have ever worn, eaten, or breathed near ANYTHING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD then that means that there are CHEMICALS IN YOUR BODY RIGHT NOW!

EVERYONE IS PLOTTING TO STEAL YOUR BABY

It’s not just objects that you have to worry about, EVERY OTHER HUMAN BEING ON THE PLANET is right now CONSPIRING TO ABDUCT YOUR CHILD. Everyone, including me, your spouse, all of your friends and family members, every parent and teacher at your child’s school, the clergy and parishioners of your church, and everyone who has ever played for the Denver Broncos is at this exact moment SCHEMING TO KIDNAP your kid. We meet on Tuesdays.

But even if you protect your children from everything and everyone on the planet, there is still one killer that is in your midst right this very moment. In the room with you RIGHT NOW AS YOU’RE READING THIS! A MURDERER IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU AND YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW IT!!!

THE INEXORABLE MARCH OF TIME MURDERS US ALL

Yes, that’s right, even if you could somehow protect your children form the myriad external dangers, the internal biological clock that regulates their body – their heart and their brain and all of their vital organs – is slowly deteriorating and will continue to disintegrate into nothing over the course of time. YOUR BODY IS YOUR ENEMY AND IT IS KILLING YOU AND YOUR CHILD FROM WITHIN!!!

READING THIS ARTICLE WILL HURT YOUR FAMILY

The electromagnetic wave vibrations emitted by this electronic device is penetrating your corneas and causing untold damage to your brain tissue. THIS ARTICLE WILL GIVE YOU BRAIN CANCER STOP READING IT RIGHT NOW OH MY GOD I’M WRITING IT THAT’S EVEN WORSE AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!