NOT FAKE NEWS: Inside Hillary’s Secret Unicorn-Fighting Ring

hillary-unicorns

WASHINGTON, DC: In a widely-viewed report that is incredibly true and verified by many sources outside of the lamestream corporate owned media, patriotic reporters were able to get inside Hillary Clinton’s vicious illegal unicorn fighting facility.

The farm, which investigators found through the tireless efforts of citizen journalists, housed hundreds of abused unicorns who were held in deplorable living conditions. The unicorns were being trained to fight for the amusement of the Clintons and their cabal of billionaire friends.

The unicorns are the only known specimens of their species, which until recently were thought to be mythical. It’s unclear if they were genetically modified by FEMA scientists to launch an attack on conservative values, or if they were simply found and bred for their own entertainment.

President Elect Donald Trump is expected to tweet about the unicorns as soon as this article reaches his timeline.

 

90s COMIC’S ACT SUDDENLY RELEVANT

Trump, Clinton, and OJ Jokes From 1995 Dusted Off and Reused; Local Comic Ecstatic

CHARLOTTE, NC: Retired comedian “Diamond” Joe Wallace announced his comeback special this week, due to his entire hour-long comedy act from 1995 being culturally relevant again.

“First the FX show about OJ and then they find that knife?!” said Wallace, grinning from ear-to-ear, “I have a solid 30 on OJ alone. And then Hilary Clinton and Trump run for president?¬†I feel like a kid again!”

Indeed, the comic found recent success with his comedy act after falling out of the spotlight for almost twenty years. After many years unsuccessfully touring regional open mics, Wallace retired from comedy in 2001 to focus on his day job at a landscaping company.

“9/11 ruined everything,” Wallace explained, “That’s all people wanted to talk about, they didn’t want to hear Clinton blowjob or OJ jokes anymore.”

“Diamond” Joe let out a wistful sigh, “But good thing that all changed!”

“Hey! That reminds me, what was O.J.’s favorite play in the Bills’ play book?” Wallace exclaimed, barely pausing due to excitement, “Cut left, then slash right!”

At this, “Diamond” Joe Wallace laughed uproariously, slapping his knee and giggling until tears ran down his face.

“Get it?! Oh, I’m so glad I can tell that joke again!”