God On Acid

Religious Leaders Confirm Creator Of Universe Trippin’ Pretty Hard Right Now

EARTH: Religious Leaders including Pope Francis I, His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, The Archbishop of Canterbury, Bartholomew I of Constantinople, The Jathedar of Akal Takht, and various leading Rabbis, Muftis , Clerics, Imams, Pastors, Priests, Preachers, and that jerk from Scientology have all determined that God is on drugs.

Spiritual leaders came to this conclusion through their observations of world events and their religious interactions with the Divine Ruler of the Universe that confirm that He is, like, totally trippin’ His face off right now.

“The Lord has revealed through His divine grace, that He is wacked out of His freakin’ gourd,” said Pope Francis in a speech from the Vatican, “Seriously, He’s  trippin’ balls.”

Citing recent unprecedented and historic events such as the violent attempted coup in Turkey, climate change, the Brexit vote, Pokemon Go and whatever the hell is going on with Donald Trump – religious leaders of all faiths are quite certain that our Lord and Savior is high as a damn kite.

“The other day, I was praying to our Lord in the usual way,” Bartholomew I said, “And I heard His voice! Hallelujah! But then I realized what he was saying. ‘Dude, what if I microwaved a burrito so hot EVEN I COULDN’T EAT IT!’… He then proceeded to laugh for like, twenty minutes.”

The Creator of the Universe could not be reached for comment, but as of press time He had 3 children walk off of a cliff while playing Pokemon Go, which experts interpret as some kind of statement on the allegations.

“All I know is I don’t want to be around when He comes down…” His Holiness The Dalai Lama said, “Whew boy! That’s gonna be one hell of a mess!”

BREAKING: Comedy Open Mic List Scandal

Host of Open Mic Doctored Sign-up List to Favor Funny Comedians

CHARLOTTE, NC: In a shocking scandal that is rocking the comedy world, Corey Robertson, local comedian and host of the weekly amateur open mic night at the Fort Mill Comedy Zone is accused of altering the order of the sign-up list in order to favor comedians that he personally knew were funny.

“This is a disgusting perversion of justice,” said Charlie Wisenheimer, president of the National Association of Comedians, “The open mic sign up list is a sacred thing. If we abandon the hallowed tradition of the rule of law, then we will plunge into anarchy.”

According to a statement by the victim of the heinous crime “COMEDIAN JAY HAHA”, he was first to sign up on the list, and yet was next to last to perform at the open mic.

“This racist-ass cracker SAW my damn name on the list, and then when his friends walked in, all of a sudden they’re up next!” said Mr. Haha, who is unemployed and has never performed anywhere but open mics, “It’s bullshit!”

Robertson, for his part, is not denying the charges.

“I run this open mic for free, I don’t even get a free drink,” the racist-ass cracker said, “I mean, it’s Fort Mill so when I saw these professional comedians who were headlining at The Charlotte Comedy Zone walk in, I had to let them up while the crowd was still awake!”

Asked about the victim of his irresponsible actions, Robertson asked, “Who?”

“OH! That guy! Yeah, he always goes up and makes everyone feel really awkward,” Robertson recalled, “Last week he almost started a fight by saying he was going to ‘fuck this bitch’ in the front row sitting next to her boyfriend. I had to get the bouncer…”

A spokesman for the Fort Mill Comedy Zone could not be reached for comment, though the bartender who answered the phone indicated that Wednesday night is Karaoke and confirmed that $3 Bud Lights are on special.

 

5 Tips To A Healthy Life No One Will Ever Read

If you’re like many of us, you want to get healthy but can’t figure out how! There are so many blogs dedicated to helping find a healthier you, but no one ever reads them and no one will ever read this either so what’s the point?

Without further ado, here are the top five health tips that you can do today to make your life better, but you won’t because no one will ever even read this useless blog!

No one will ever see this, so why am I even bothering to put in alt text?

This is a stock photo of a woman drinking water. It’s the featured image on a blog no one will ever read.

1. Drink Water

Did you know that most people don’t drink enough water? You probably did know that, actually, because there are literally millions of useless blogs out there that state this daily. You should drink 8 cups of water a day. If you need to read a blog to tell you to drink water, you’re probably already dead because no one will even read this. But, hey I did search for an hour looking for a stock photo of a woman drinking water, so that’s something I guess. I wonder what she’s up to right now? Does she know her face is attached to this useless garbage?

2. Exercise

Exercise is a great way to get exercise! It has many health benefits, unlike this blog which is of no benefit at all except to this website’s SEO score. Speaking of SEO did you know fitness, jogging, running, swimming, biking, and lifting weights are all types of exercise? Yes, yes you did know that and even if you didn’t, you don’t know it now because you’re not reading this.

3. Eat Small Meals

A number of small meals each day is a good tip that I stole from some other blog that no one ever read for this blog that no one will ever read. Does anyone ever do this? “Oh, I know what I’ll do,” said no one ever, “I’ll read this blog and then do what it says and completely change all my eating habits.” Man, this blog is so freakin’ pointless. Good thing you aren’t reading it!

4. Take Breaks

Sitting all day at work can be bad for your health. Especially if your job is writing stupid blog content on a page no one will ever even visit. I could literally say anything right now and it wouldn’t matter because no one will read this. Did you know that reading blogs causes cancer? Nope, you don’t know that because you would have to read this and also it’s not true.

5. Meditate

Yeah, I’m sure that this is the blog that you’ll read that will finally make you start meditating. Yup. This is it. This blog. Looking to make a huge life change? This blog is the place to find it. I really don’t know why I’m even writing this. Will it help my Search Engine Result Page (SERP) ranking? Meh, probably not. Even if it does, who cares? If a million people visit this site, then I’ll just have to write more stupid bullshit articles like this one that no one will even read.

Follow these five steps and you’ll be the first person in history to ever actually read such a abjectly needless SEO blog post and benefit in any way! I hate my life.

SATIRE DEAD

World So Absurd Parody Impossible

EVERYWHERE: Comedians everywhere bowed their heads and observed a moment of silence in mourning as the National Association of Comedians (NAC) today declared satire dead.

Satire, the use of irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics, was one of the oldest forms of comedy.

However, recent events including Donald Trump securing the Republican nomination for President, Trayvon Martin’s killer auctioning off his murder weapon, North Carolina’s governor suing the Federal Government over where queer people can poop, and whatever “Blac Chyna” is, have finally eviscerated the venerated style of humor.

“Nowhere to Go”

Comedians cite the sheer lack of possibilities for comedic exaggeration as one cause of the demise of satire.

“For example, how can you make a joke about Donald Trump being President?” said NAC president Charlie Wisenheimer, “What do you exaggerate? His looks? He’s the caricature of a greasy slimeball. His policy positions? Everything he says is painfully hyperbolized- he literally speaks only in superlatives. There’s nowhere to go.”

“Don’t even get me started on these so-called celebrities,” Wisenheimer added, “What can you say about Kanye and Kim Kardashian? Their lives are already elaborate jokes.”

Due to this and countless other ineffably absurd and hopelessly illogical realities, the possibility for creating satire has been extinguished.

World’s Oldest Humor

Satire is often regarded as one of the first forms of comedy – making its debut around the time of Aristophanes wrote the play “The Frogs” in 405 BCE.

Notable satirists include Johnathan Swift, whose famous screed “A Modest Proposal” suggested that overpopulation could be solved by the rich purchasing and eating the infants of the poor.

French philosopher Voltaire vivaciously eviscerated the French aristocracy (and just about everyone else) with his satirical polemics.

In the modern era, Mark Twain frequently employed satire to communicate his criticism of 19th century America. Twain once remarked:”It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.”

Even more recently, shows like “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” and “Last Week Tonight with Jon Oliver” have reinvigorated the idea of political satire in 21st century America.

RIP Satire (400 BCE – 2016 CE)

However, that is all in the past now. The use of humor to illuminate the absurdity of modern society has been crushed by the weight of the actual terrifying nonsensical nature of our current sociopolitical landscape.

“It’s a shame,” NAC president Wisenheimer said, “Because it was just starting to get good. Oh well, I guess when we have a President who was literally the star of his own reality show where he insulted people, then we can just watch stuff like that. It won’t be funny, or insightful, but it’ll be something.”

90s COMIC’S ACT SUDDENLY RELEVANT

Trump, Clinton, and OJ Jokes From 1995 Dusted Off and Reused; Local Comic Ecstatic

CHARLOTTE, NC: Retired comedian “Diamond” Joe Wallace announced his comeback special this week, due to his entire hour-long comedy act from 1995 being culturally relevant again.

“First the FX show about OJ and then they find that knife?!” said Wallace, grinning from ear-to-ear, “I have a solid 30 on OJ alone. And then Hilary Clinton and Trump run for president? I feel like a kid again!”

Indeed, the comic found recent success with his comedy act after falling out of the spotlight for almost twenty years. After many years unsuccessfully touring regional open mics, Wallace retired from comedy in 2001 to focus on his day job at a landscaping company.

“9/11 ruined everything,” Wallace explained, “That’s all people wanted to talk about, they didn’t want to hear Clinton blowjob or OJ jokes anymore.”

“Diamond” Joe let out a wistful sigh, “But good thing that all changed!”

“Hey! That reminds me, what was O.J.’s favorite play in the Bills’ play book?” Wallace exclaimed, barely pausing due to excitement, “Cut left, then slash right!”

At this, “Diamond” Joe Wallace laughed uproariously, slapping his knee and giggling until tears ran down his face.

“Get it?! Oh, I’m so glad I can tell that joke again!”

CLT NOT RACIST: HAS BLACK FRIEND

CLT Mayor Declares Race Not an Issue in Charlotte for CIAA

Black Friend “Totally Cool”.

CHARLOTTE, NC: Charlotte Mayor Jennifer Roberts announced in a press conference today that despite recent rumblings about “White Flight” during CIAA week, the city’s white community is “totally not racist” due to the existence of Darnell Perkins, a 25 year old African-American man who has been designated Charlotte’s Official Black Friend.

“We welcome the Historically Black Colleges and Universities as they test their athletic skill in the CIAA basketball tournament!” Mayor Roberts said, “We are proud to welcome them to the Queen City and can’t wait to introduce them to Darnell, who is a really great guy. You’ll see!”

Many in Charlotte have discussed whether white people leaving the city during CIAA week is racist. And while it is true that many locals avoid uptown during the predominately African-American centric week, Mayor Roberts assured her constituency was not in any way racist.

thedab

Mayor Roberts performing an African-American dance move with multicultural colleagues. 

 

“Darnell and I were chatting, as we do, and he said that having an HBCU basketball tournament is ‘totally cool’,” Mayor Roberts said, “And that the fact that Nas, TI, and Rick Ross were in town was ‘pretty dope’.”

For his part, Mr. Perkins said that Charlotte was “straight” with the black community and that “love is love, fam.”

“The city of Charlotte is committed to diversity, and is open to people of any race, religion, or sexual orientation,” Mayor Roberts continued, “As long as they don’t use the bathroom…”

 

RAINPOCALYPSE ENGULFS CHARLOTTE

Mysterious Sky-Fluid Wreaks Havoc On Queen City

road flooded image

Charlotte, NC: A mysterious liquid substance began falling from the sky on Monday causing mass confusion, hours of traffic delays, and hundreds of fatalities all across the Charlotte Mecklenberg area.

“I’ve never seen anything like it in my life,” said Charlotte resident Cory Smulken, “It’s like water that comes from the faucet…but it’s falling from the sky!”

The slippery substance caused massive traffic snarls on Route 77 in both the north and southbound lanes. Dozens of cars were seen on the side of the road after skidding out of control and smashing into other cars- victims of the sky-fluid’s perilous ability to limit traction between tires and the roadway.

Police and first-responders have mobilized across the city to respond to the unprecedented number of vehicle collisions and other issues related to the atmospheric anomaly.

“Motorists should be advised that their vehicles are not in any way tested to function with such a slippery chemical coating the roadways,” Charlotte Chief of Police Kerr Putney said in an emergency news conference, “We are advising all Charlotteans to stay inside their homes until we understand how to rid our streets of this dangerous sky-water.”

Scientists at University of North Carolina Charlotte campus have been working tirelessly to document this unprecedented meteorological phenomenon.

“This gravitational transfer of fluid  is eerily similar to a rare tropical ‘El Nino’ condition I’ve studied called ‘Rain’,” said Dr. Craig Allan, chair of UNCC’s Department of Earth Sciences, “Until now ‘Rain’ has only been theoretical, it’s amazing that we get the chance to study this geobiological function right here in our backyard!”

Mayor Jennifer Roberts has declared a State of Emergency and announced that Charlotte Mecklenberg schools will be closed for the rest of the week.

Johnny Millwater – 20 Years of Obscurity Show Review

It’s no secret that Charlotte isn’t exactly Hollywood, but there is a thriving comedy scene here in the city. What the Queen City lacks in comedy clubs it makes up for with a plethora of funny, original and passionate performers.

And one common thread most of these comedians have? Johnny Millwater taught them about comedy.

If you don’t know Johnny Millwater, which around half of the audience at the show at The Charlotte Comedy Zone on Tuesday admitted by round of applause that they did not, then you must not be very familiar with the Charlotte comedy scene. Johnny and his wife Debbie work tirelessly to not only create and promote shows in Charlotte – but actively attempt to create the next generation of performers with their “Comedy School” classes.

So, when Johnny (only 37) was being celebrated for his 20 years as a performer (!!!), naturally there was a bevvy of talented and grateful comedians happy to perform.

  
The host Will Jacobs provided his usual energetic and hilarious performance to the capacity crowd at the Comedy Zone. The lineup included hilarious Charlotte-based comedians Sid Davis, D Moore, Ed Mabrey, Charlie Eaton, J Bliss and featured Johnny’s sister Kim Harrison.

Each of the comedians provided some kind words about how Johnny Millwater personally encouraged and guided their comedy careers when no one else believed in them. (Except his sister, who actually encouraged HIS career!)

A large section of the audience was comprised of a law firm who had reserved the tables to celebrate something or other. One of the lawyers was a middle-aged white man wearing a dashiki, who continually hooted and hollered throughout the show.

dashiki

This is what it looks like when a middle-aged white dude wears a dashiki.

He provided plenty of fodder for the comedians throughout the night. Including 17 year old Charlie Eaton who said, “Johnny taught me everything I know about comedy. From how to structure a joke, to timing, to dealing with annoying drunk hecklers.” The knowing look he provided toward the dashiki dude elicited howls of laughter from him and the rest of the crowd.

The night culminated in a sit-down interview between Will Jacobs and Johnny Millwater on the subject of Johnny’s life and career. As a Charlotte Comedy nerd, it was heaven. Johnny talked about starting his career as a 9 year old magician at the Millwater Thanksgiving table, and moving on to performing at comedy clubs – all before he could drive!

He said his sister Kim, who is a talented comedian and singer in her own right, inspired him and even snuck him into his first comedy shows.

Will asked the tough questions including what advice he’d have for younger comedians, what was his favorite kind of audience, and how long after meeting his wife that she let him “hit it raw”. (This seemingly intrusive question was met with howling laughter, as it perfectly punctured the air of gravitas the interview had taken.)

One thing that Johnny said that will always stick with me is this:

“Being a comedian is like being a priest.” He expertly paused here for laughter, “You can study your entire life and still not know everything.”

If there’s one thing I can say about Johnny is that I have learned a lot from him. Not only in how to be a performer onstage, but how to be a positive person in such a crazy, mixed-up world.

No matter what the circumstances, Johnny has treated me as a friend and as an esteemed colleague (though even on my best day, I could never hold a candle to Johnny’s polished, personable showmanship).

Johnny celebrated his 20th year as a comedian, and for Charlotte’s sake I hope he works 49 more.
(But only because that would add up to 69 and that’s hilarious.)

~Zach Claywell

President Obama on Marc Maron's WTF Podcast - Comedy News LOL CLT

Everybody Panic! Reaction to President Obama on Marc Maron’s WTF Podcast

The comedy and political worlds are abuzz after President Obama’s appearance on Marc Maron’s WTF Podcast today. Marc Maron was already a legend in the comedy community by bringing the craft of stand-up to light in his podcasts – simultaneously elevating the arts of comedy and podcasting. There’s no doubt that Maron is the king of podcasting, and this groundbreaking interview completely legitimizes the art form in a way no other moment has.

If you haven’t heard it yet, the interview is an hour-long discussion of President Obama’s childhood, his favorite comedian, the Supreme Court battle over Obamacare, the terrorist massacre in Charleston, gun control, and his views on racism in America. The President was warm, friendly, down-to-earth and yet still supremely “on-message”. He didn’t really say anything in this interview that he hadn’t already said elsewhere. Well…except for ONE thing he said that he had never said before.

If you’ve been online today, you know which aspect of his interview is being discussed in the media.

“OMG! Obama Said the ‘N-Word!'”

Somehow, the trending headline is “Obama Uses N-Word”, conveniently ignoring the conversation that occurred the other 59 minutes of the podcast.  In fact, the phrase “N-Word” is trending on twitter as we speak.LOL CLT Twitter Screenshot

Clearly, the media is missing the point. The fact is, the President of the United States of America said in a candid discussion on race:

“Racism, we are not cured of it. And it’s not just a matter of it not being polite to say nigger in public. That’s not the measure of whether racism still exists or not. It’s not just a matter of overt discrimination. Societies don’t, overnight, completely erase everything that happened 200 to 300 years prior.”

This is a completely reasonable and accurate way to talk about race. But what is the headline? “Obama Uses the N-Word!!!!!!”.

Louis C.K. on “The N-Word”

In the interview, President Obama mentions that Louis CK is one of his favorite comedians. Well, in the spirit of that discussion I’d like to share Louis CK’s extremely NSFW view on the phrase “The N-Word” which he deems way more offensive than the word it’s alluding to. I think it will shed some light on the current situation in a way only comedy can: