NOT FAKE NEWS: Inside Hillary’s Secret Unicorn-Fighting Ring

hillary-unicorns

WASHINGTON, DC: In a widely-viewed report that is incredibly true and verified by many sources outside of the lamestream corporate owned media, patriotic reporters were able to get inside Hillary Clinton’s vicious illegal unicorn fighting facility.

The farm, which investigators found through the tireless efforts of citizen journalists, housed hundreds of abused unicorns who were held in deplorable living conditions. The unicorns were being trained to fight for the amusement of the Clintons and their cabal of billionaire friends.

The unicorns are the only known specimens of their species, which until recently were thought to be mythical. It’s unclear if they were genetically modified by FEMA scientists to launch an attack on conservative values, or if they were simply found and bred for their own entertainment.

President Elect Donald Trump is expected to tweet about the unicorns as soon as this article reaches his timeline.

 

CAM NEWTON WINS NC PRIMARY

Carolina Quarterback Wins Landslide Write-in Campaign in North Carolina Primary Election

CHARLOTTE, NC: Panthers quarterback Cameron Newton won both the Democratic and Republican North Carolina presidential primaries today. In a landslide victory, the NFL MVP picked up all 72 Republican and 107 Democratic delegates in the state, putting him well ahead of Marco Rubio, John Kasich and Martin O’Malley.

Despite not being on the ballot, nor old enough to legally be the President, the popular Carolina quarterback released a statement on his Facebook page:

“1 want to THANKuGODforG1ViNGmeTH1Splatform🙌🏾👼🏾🙌🏾👼🏾🙌🏾👼🏾🙌🏾👼iW1LLbeFOREVERgreatfu1 to PANTHERNAT1ON for forming  äBONDthatW1LLneverBEbrøken! We need an•1NNOVATiVE•nat1on•that•BR1NGS•us•ÂLL
🏼👉🏽👉🏾👉🏿TØGETHER👈🏻👈🏼👈🏽🏿 with 1essHÄTËmore1ŌVĒ
-1OVE”

There is no word yet on how Democratic candidates are taking the news, but a Republican front-runner Donald Trump had this to say:

“This guy, this ‘Scam’ Newton guy, this guy, look, I know he’s popular but what does he actually do? He’s throwing a ball! ‘Oh look at me I can throw a ball’ Okay? This loser plays football, but I owned an entire football LEAGUE, that’s YUUUGE. A whole league, okay? He doesn’t even own a football, I owned an entire LEAGUE? What a loser.”