Pokemon STOP App Launches for Lazy PokeMasters

Walking, Interacting With Other Humans No Longer Required

TOKYO: Gaming giant and Pokemon creators Nintendo announced today that they will be launching a new app targeted at Pokemon GO players who are too lazy to actually walk around. The new game Pokemon STOP will be the same game, except with no GPS locator – so it will not respond to the environment around you, nor require you to walk in order to play.

“The biggest criticism we’ve gotten so far from Pokemon GO players is that they’re tired from all the walking,” Nintendo CEO Tatsumi Kimishima said in a press conference, “Now, we have fixed this issue with our newest game Pokemon STOP!”

The game will also feature more dialogue and more Pokemon, though at the cost of less dynamic graphics. The game will not be available on smart phones, but on a device known as a “Nintendo Gameboy”. The “Gameboy” device features a Custom 8-bit Sharp LR35902 core at 4.19 MHz processor,  8 kB internal S-RAM, and a revolutionary black on green display.

Game-Boy-FL

Despite this, gamers are welcoming the decision.

“Man, I love Pokemon GO but I hate walking!” said 16-year-old gamer Brice Danvison, “This is gonna be soooo sick, though! I can play in class now!”

Advertisements

5 Tips To A Healthy Life No One Will Ever Read

If you’re like many of us, you want to get healthy but can’t figure out how! There are so many blogs dedicated to helping find a healthier you, but no one ever reads them and no one will ever read this either so what’s the point?

Without further ado, here are the top five health tips that you can do today to make your life better, but you won’t because no one will ever even read this useless blog!

No one will ever see this, so why am I even bothering to put in alt text?

This is a stock photo of a woman drinking water. It’s the featured image on a blog no one will ever read.

1. Drink Water

Did you know that most people don’t drink enough water? You probably did know that, actually, because there are literally millions of useless blogs out there that state this daily. You should drink 8 cups of water a day. If you need to read a blog to tell you to drink water, you’re probably already dead because no one will even read this. But, hey I did search for an hour looking for a stock photo of a woman drinking water, so that’s something I guess. I wonder what she’s up to right now? Does she know her face is attached to this useless garbage?

2. Exercise

Exercise is a great way to get exercise! It has many health benefits, unlike this blog which is of no benefit at all except to this website’s SEO score. Speaking of SEO did you know fitness, jogging, running, swimming, biking, and lifting weights are all types of exercise? Yes, yes you did know that and even if you didn’t, you don’t know it now because you’re not reading this.

3. Eat Small Meals

A number of small meals each day is a good tip that I stole from some other blog that no one ever read for this blog that no one will ever read. Does anyone ever do this? “Oh, I know what I’ll do,” said no one ever, “I’ll read this blog and then do what it says and completely change all my eating habits.” Man, this blog is so freakin’ pointless. Good thing you aren’t reading it!

4. Take Breaks

Sitting all day at work can be bad for your health. Especially if your job is writing stupid blog content on a page no one will ever even visit. I could literally say anything right now and it wouldn’t matter because no one will read this. Did you know that reading blogs causes cancer? Nope, you don’t know that because you would have to read this and also it’s not true.

5. Meditate

Yeah, I’m sure that this is the blog that you’ll read that will finally make you start meditating. Yup. This is it. This blog. Looking to make a huge life change? This blog is the place to find it. I really don’t know why I’m even writing this. Will it help my Search Engine Result Page (SERP) ranking? Meh, probably not. Even if it does, who cares? If a million people visit this site, then I’ll just have to write more stupid bullshit articles like this one that no one will even read.

Follow these five steps and you’ll be the first person in history to ever actually read such a abjectly needless SEO blog post and benefit in any way! I hate my life.

LOL CLT 4/20 blazeit lol lolol

Lol it’s 4/20

Okay, so it’s 4/20 – that magical day of the year where everyone suddenly acknowledges that marijuana exists. Unlike the other 364 days of the year, smoking weed on this day is celebrated and not part of a terrorist plot to turn your brains into a fried egg.

Brain on drugs LOL CLT Comedy Blog

However, for serious stoners 4/20 is just as annoying as St. Patty’s day is to alcoholics.
“Friggin’ amateurs,” these indignant inebriates will say, “Did you learn about weed from ‘Reefer Madness’?!”

It’s okay, guys. Tomorrow the stoners of the world will slink back into the shadows, trawling the vast corners of the internet for the dankest of memes. Or they’ll go back to performing brain surgery and rocket science – since people all around the world smoke pot and almost none of them turn into Cheech or Chong (both successful businessmen in their own right.)

cheech and chong LOLCLT LOL CLT Comedy Blog

Let’s all just enjoy this beautiful day where smoking weed is temporarily socially acceptable (if not exactly legal…)

Unless you live in Colorado or Washington or one of the other places cannabis is legal and socially accepted, then just go back to living your normal everyday life you lucky hippie bastard!

To celebrate the “High Holidays” as it were, enjoy this hilarious video I shot years ago entitled “High Guy Explains the Internet”:

High Guy Explains the Internet:

In case you missed it, the question was “Do you believe y2k already happened?” The answer involves the internet being a pigment of your imagination, just like a pigment in a rainbow and then also something about computers and the internet. So, there’s that. Enjoy responsibly, kids.

Enjoy your day and LOL at something for me!

~Z