Charlotte To Host 2019 NBA All Star Game (As Long As NCGA Doesn’t Screw It Up)

CHARLOTTE, NC: The Charlotte Hornets have officially announced (to everyone except the NCGA) the NBA’s decision to allow Charlotte to host the 2019 NBA All-Star Game.

The NBA All-Star Game was scheduled to be in Charlotte this year, but was pulled by the NBA due to backlash over the North Carolina General Assembly’s HB2 law – better known as the “Bathroom Bill.”

Due to the controversy, the Hornets are urging members of the community to avoid mentioning the game to their state lawmakers.

“We are thrilled the league has awarded NBA All-Star 2019 to the city of Charlotte,” team owner Michael Jordan said in a statement, “As long as no one does anything stupid – coughcoughNCGA – the All-Star weekend will provide a tremendous economic impact to our community while showcasing our city, our franchise and our passionate Hornets fan base to people around the world.”

While Charlotteans should be excited and proud, spokespeople for the NBA are advising to avoid posting the news to social media outlets frequented by state senators.

“Feel free to share the news,” an NBA spokesperson said in a private press conference that barred state lawmakers, “but maybe don’t share it where Senator Phil Berger and the rest of the NCGOP can see it, you know what I mean?”

The controversial HB2 law, which vacated legal protections for LGBT citizens and would have barred transgender individuals from using the bathroom of their choice, was officially repealed after considerable pressure from the NBA, ACC, PayPal, Pearl Jam, and more. The state of North Carolina lost billions as the boycott gained international attention.

“I’m just saying, midterms are next year and we don’t want to give the NCGA any ideas,” Jordan said, “It’s just better if we kept this to ourselves.”

 

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Charlotte #3 US Banking City: Still #1 in Banker Bros

CHARLOTTE, NC: According to a recent story in the Charlotte Observer, Charlotte is no longer the #2 banking center in the country. Losing the title to San Francisco is a huge blow to the identity of a city built around banking.

But while New York and San Francisco may have Charlotte beat in terms of dollar amounts, they’ll never tarnish the Queen City’s shining cultural jewel: The Banker Bro.

The Banker Bro is a Charlotte institution that has defined the societal milieu of the city since the beginning. Successful, wealthy, confident and khaki-clad, these masters of the universe are worthy of our praise and our vigorous defense.

We visited Fitzgerald’s Uptown to get some Banker Bro reaction to the latest news.

“Dude, like, that’s a total bummer,” said Jake Masterson a junior analyst at Wells Fargo, “But with current market projections the way they are, the st… hold on, Tony is ordering shots. HEY TONE BONE MAKE MINE A DOUBLE HAHA! Sorry, what were we talking about?”

As of press time, the shots had been consumed and another round was being ordered. Down, but never out, the spirit of the Banker Bro, like Charlotte itself, remains defiant and indefatigable.

“It’s Just a Dumb Game” Says Man Whose Life Revolves Around Game

CHARLOTTE, NC: Local sports fan Ben Clementine was admittedly heartbroken over his favorite team losing their opening game of the year, but remained resolute.

“It’s just a stupid game anyway,” said Clementine, who plans his entire life around said game, “It doesn’t even matter.”

Clementine, whose face was painted in the team’s colors while wearing a large wig on game-day, said that even though he is a fan he won’t let his life be affected by it.

“There are so many bigger issues in the world, man,” said Clementine, who can name every player on the 53 man roster going back for 10 years but cannot name his congressman, “At the end of the day you just got to let it go.”

As of press time Clementine, who has missed 3 weddings and the funeral of his great-aunt due to his fandom, was posting nasty messages on opposing teams’ social media accounts, while taking regular breaks for jags of inconsolable sobbing.

“It’s just whatever, you know? I’ve got so much else in my life going on.”

Inflammatory Headline Provokes Heated Reaction

Unread Article’s Provocative Headline Gives Commenters Just Enough to Rant About

Charlotte, NC: Based on the content of the headline alone, hundreds of internet commentators somehow had just enough information to form wildly biased and inaccurate arguments today. Despite the article having 0 views, social media users found countless ways to insult, berate and chide each other through the use of GIFs, memes, hashtags, and illogical, misspelled missives.

The humble headline, though only 5 words long, incited heated reactions on both sides of the issue, who resorted to name-calling and immature mudslinging within minutes of the article going up.

Many raised objections to the publishing of the article itself, though they had not read it.

“Can’t belive this libtard rag published ANOTHER stupid post. Unfollowed!” one comment vented.

“Typical convservative BS! Learn to spell before you embarrass yourself more, idiot! #DeleteURAccount” responded another.

Many used the headline as a prompt to bring up unrelated issues that were, in their minds, tangentially related.

“Oh great, first this and than they’ll come to take away are guns. Whatever happened to freedom?! #ThanksObama” an anonymous commenter added, though the article he or she didn’t read did not mention guns in any conceivable way.

“Maybe they shud take away ur guns, butthole! Have u been watching the news? Grow up.” responded an another anonymous account.

Though the reactions were ignorant, uninformed nonsense, the publisher of the article is collecting the feedback for use in a future article. They plan to make a slideshow of every angry tweet in an attempt to increase views for their advertisers.

As of press time, no evidence points to the article having been read.

 

BREAKING: Comedy Open Mic List Scandal

Host of Open Mic Doctored Sign-up List to Favor Funny Comedians

CHARLOTTE, NC: In a shocking scandal that is rocking the comedy world, Corey Robertson, local comedian and host of the weekly amateur open mic night at the Fort Mill Comedy Zone is accused of altering the order of the sign-up list in order to favor comedians that he personally knew were funny.

“This is a disgusting perversion of justice,” said Charlie Wisenheimer, president of the National Association of Comedians, “The open mic sign up list is a sacred thing. If we abandon the hallowed tradition of the rule of law, then we will plunge into anarchy.”

According to a statement by the victim of the heinous crime “COMEDIAN JAY HAHA”, he was first to sign up on the list, and yet was next to last to perform at the open mic.

“This racist-ass cracker SAW my damn name on the list, and then when his friends walked in, all of a sudden they’re up next!” said Mr. Haha, who is unemployed and has never performed anywhere but open mics, “It’s bullshit!”

Robertson, for his part, is not denying the charges.

“I run this open mic for free, I don’t even get a free drink,” the racist-ass cracker said, “I mean, it’s Fort Mill so when I saw these professional comedians who were headlining at The Charlotte Comedy Zone walk in, I had to let them up while the crowd was still awake!”

Asked about the victim of his irresponsible actions, Robertson asked, “Who?”

“OH! That guy! Yeah, he always goes up and makes everyone feel really awkward,” Robertson recalled, “Last week he almost started a fight by saying he was going to ‘fuck this bitch’ in the front row sitting next to her boyfriend. I had to get the bouncer…”

A spokesman for the Fort Mill Comedy Zone could not be reached for comment, though the bartender who answered the phone indicated that Wednesday night is Karaoke and confirmed that $3 Bud Lights are on special.

 

5 Tips To A Healthy Life No One Will Ever Read

If you’re like many of us, you want to get healthy but can’t figure out how! There are so many blogs dedicated to helping find a healthier you, but no one ever reads them and no one will ever read this either so what’s the point?

Without further ado, here are the top five health tips that you can do today to make your life better, but you won’t because no one will ever even read this useless blog!

No one will ever see this, so why am I even bothering to put in alt text?

This is a stock photo of a woman drinking water. It’s the featured image on a blog no one will ever read.

1. Drink Water

Did you know that most people don’t drink enough water? You probably did know that, actually, because there are literally millions of useless blogs out there that state this daily. You should drink 8 cups of water a day. If you need to read a blog to tell you to drink water, you’re probably already dead because no one will even read this. But, hey I did search for an hour looking for a stock photo of a woman drinking water, so that’s something I guess. I wonder what she’s up to right now? Does she know her face is attached to this useless garbage?

2. Exercise

Exercise is a great way to get exercise! It has many health benefits, unlike this blog which is of no benefit at all except to this website’s SEO score. Speaking of SEO did you know fitness, jogging, running, swimming, biking, and lifting weights are all types of exercise? Yes, yes you did know that and even if you didn’t, you don’t know it now because you’re not reading this.

3. Eat Small Meals

A number of small meals each day is a good tip that I stole from some other blog that no one ever read for this blog that no one will ever read. Does anyone ever do this? “Oh, I know what I’ll do,” said no one ever, “I’ll read this blog and then do what it says and completely change all my eating habits.” Man, this blog is so freakin’ pointless. Good thing you aren’t reading it!

4. Take Breaks

Sitting all day at work can be bad for your health. Especially if your job is writing stupid blog content on a page no one will ever even visit. I could literally say anything right now and it wouldn’t matter because no one will read this. Did you know that reading blogs causes cancer? Nope, you don’t know that because you would have to read this and also it’s not true.

5. Meditate

Yeah, I’m sure that this is the blog that you’ll read that will finally make you start meditating. Yup. This is it. This blog. Looking to make a huge life change? This blog is the place to find it. I really don’t know why I’m even writing this. Will it help my Search Engine Result Page (SERP) ranking? Meh, probably not. Even if it does, who cares? If a million people visit this site, then I’ll just have to write more stupid bullshit articles like this one that no one will even read.

Follow these five steps and you’ll be the first person in history to ever actually read such a abjectly needless SEO blog post and benefit in any way! I hate my life.

Review: OMG This Yummy Food Is So Delish!!!

tumblr_inline_n5zmcd3MiA1qjodxz LOLCLT FOOD CRITIC: Ashley Wilson

So, like, today I was such a lazy fatty on the couch and trying to think about what to do and I asked my dogs and they were like, “OMG mom, you are totally cray-cray rn srsly!”. So, lacking their help I decided to try out this new restaurant I read about on my friend’s blog that she said was TOTES amazeballs.

Guess What ? This Restaurant IS Amazeballs.

When I got to the restaurant, I was like…uhhhh are you kidding me right now? There were so many old uncool people and the decorations were SO blah. Like, seriously, it looked like my crazy aunt’s house in there – and not the fun, crazy aunt who got me that cute sweater last Christmas that had reindeer pooping! Like, the crazy aunt who owns too many cats and only posts racist stuff on Facebook.

CD+Interior+2

But, This Food Is Like, Totes Rocking My World Right Now

ANYWAY, when I sat down I noticed that the menu didn’t have any craft cocktails, but they had like, one craft beer so I got that. The server was nice but not like, too creepy nice you know? Then I read the menu and found the my true love: Kreamy Kale Tacos.

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YUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!

Srsly you guys, these tacos are so redic delish. The kale is so healthy and yummy and the sauce is so glorious I wish I could bathe in it! YAS! I literally could eat 100 of these things (OMG can you imagine how much yoga I’d have to do to work THAT off?! #WORTHIT).

These tacos are so delish that I must have looked like such a pig scarfing them down! I swear I had like, an orgasm eating this. I totes heard someone be all like, “I’ll have what SHE’S having!”

OMG You HAVE To Try These

If you’re in the Charlotte area and want to have the yummiest tacos of your entire life, you NEED to stop what you’re doing and head to this restaurant. I, like, totally don’t even remember what it was called, but it’s over there like, near NoDa or Plaza or something, but like, kind of in a back street with a lot of trees? IDK just Google it on Yelp or something.

Review: 5 / 7 Stars

7stars

Op-Ed: I wore a dress once and I support HB2

JUSTIN SMOLTON, GUEST CONTRIBUTOR

With all the controversy surrounding North Carolina’s “House Bill 2”, which bans convicted rapists from wearing dresses and legally raping women in bathrooms, my social media is blowing up. I see all of my bleeding heart liberals friends posting things calling people who favor HB2 “anti-gay” and “bigots”, but this couldn’t be further from the truth!

I’m a manly man who once wore a dress. And I still support HB2.

The sick and twisted City Council of Charlotte for some reason thought it was a good idea to pass a law that allowed men to wear dresses and rape anyone they wanted. As a man who once wore a dress, let me tell you that you wouldn’t want me anywhere near your daughter’s bathroom! Even though I totally did wear a dress with two inflated balloons for boobies doesn’t mean that I’m gay (I have had a lot of sex with women), but it also doesn’t mean that I should be able to run into a bathroom with little girls.

Diversity is good – except for these sick weirdos

Our city was founded on diversity, and that is what makes us strong. When I go to Plaza Midwood or NoDa I see all sorts of weird tatooed freaks, and I’m totally okay with it (though I do try to high-tail it the hell out of there as quickly as possible!). Apparently, getting holes in your face and switching genders are what today’s young people are into. And more power to them! Like I said, I put on a wig and pretended to be a dumb broad one Halloween – I get it. But men who sneak into girls bathrooms just so they can take advantage of tiny defenseless baby girls is just wrong and they don’t deserve a law protecting them!

I don’t hate gay people, just rapists

No one likes rapists, right? So why are so many people in Charlotte suddenly in favor of rape??  I can’t get it. Trust me, I have had sex with many women consensually and I’d never need to rape anyone so I wouldn’t even know what a rapist was thinking, but if I were to want to rape someone, this law would have let me! Isn’t that sick??

Look, we all want to go into the girl’s bathroom but we don’t.

Sure, when I was a kid I snuck into the girl’s locker room so I could get a peek. And yes, I watch a lot of upskirt pornos, and I mean, yeah technically my fraternity brother “raped” a girl when I was in college (she was into it, but totally lied about it), but that’s not what I was talking about. These animal urges to hurt women are totally natural, but you can’t act on them! And making a law to support these urges is totally wrong.

Thank you Governor McCrory and the General Assembly for passing HB2 as every narrow-minded homophobe wanted.

Poll: Should Charlotte Bicyclists Be Beheaded?

2000px-Bicycle_diagram-en.svg

Chaos in the Queen City

As I was driving home the other day, I noticed a person operating some kind of personally powered machine in the road. It was like a car, but only had two wheels – lined up from front to back and not side to side – with a small seat attached. The man was rotating his legs around at tremendous speed, somehow causing the wheels to be set in motion.

The automobiles that were riding behind this befuddling be-spoked bumbler had to practically STOP DRIVING in order to pass, as the pilot of the vessel REFUSED to yield to our technologically superior transportation option. It took me literally an EXTRA QUARTER OF AN HOUR to get home that day, during which time my dog ate chocolate and died.

What just happened??

Bicyclists Must Be Stopped

When I got home I googled this infernal gadget and found out it was called a “Bicycle.” The “bi-cycle” or “two wheeled cycle” is a man-powered machine that is infesting Charlotte’s streets and many cities around the world. Some cities have had to cave to the growing bicycle lobby’s demands and have actually stopped law-abiding citizens from driving on parts of their own roads, designating them “bike only lanes.”

This is an outrage!? Where does it end? Outlawing automobiles in favor of these shortsighted sweat-jockeys?! Everyone knows that roads are made only for automobiles – the American invention that the entire world has adopted due to its brilliance.

Automobiles drive on highways and byways, roads, bridges and tunnels, and all other God-given motorways that are the lifeblood of our city and our democracy. Bicycles, or “Bikes” as some punk hoodlums call them, are used in illegal rickshaws, lewd “Extreme Games” competitions, and something called a “Tour Day France”, which doesn’t sound like something red-blooded Americans need clogging up their cities!

Solution: Behead Bicyclists

Once I noticed these technological monstrosities, I started to see them everywhere! Plaza Midwood and NoDa are particularly burdened with the makeshift machinery. I can only see one solution: behead bicyclists.

It’s the only language these peddle punks understand. Honking at them does no good. Swerving menacingly and flashing rude hand gestures are nothing-doing.

HOWEVER, before I embark on this bloody rampage, I’d like to get the support of my fellow Charlotteans. What do you think? Should we spare the lives of these boneheaded bike-bums, or should we rise up and take back control of our city streets before it’s too late??

90s COMIC’S ACT SUDDENLY RELEVANT

Trump, Clinton, and OJ Jokes From 1995 Dusted Off and Reused; Local Comic Ecstatic

CHARLOTTE, NC: Retired comedian “Diamond” Joe Wallace announced his comeback special this week, due to his entire hour-long comedy act from 1995 being culturally relevant again.

“First the FX show about OJ and then they find that knife?!” said Wallace, grinning from ear-to-ear, “I have a solid 30 on OJ alone. And then Hilary Clinton and Trump run for president? I feel like a kid again!”

Indeed, the comic found recent success with his comedy act after falling out of the spotlight for almost twenty years. After many years unsuccessfully touring regional open mics, Wallace retired from comedy in 2001 to focus on his day job at a landscaping company.

“9/11 ruined everything,” Wallace explained, “That’s all people wanted to talk about, they didn’t want to hear Clinton blowjob or OJ jokes anymore.”

“Diamond” Joe let out a wistful sigh, “But good thing that all changed!”

“Hey! That reminds me, what was O.J.’s favorite play in the Bills’ play book?” Wallace exclaimed, barely pausing due to excitement, “Cut left, then slash right!”

At this, “Diamond” Joe Wallace laughed uproariously, slapping his knee and giggling until tears ran down his face.

“Get it?! Oh, I’m so glad I can tell that joke again!”