Charlotte To Host 2019 NBA All Star Game (As Long As NCGA Doesn’t Screw It Up)

CHARLOTTE, NC: The Charlotte Hornets have officially announced (to everyone except the NCGA) the NBA’s decision to allow Charlotte to host the 2019 NBA All-Star Game.

The NBA All-Star Game was scheduled to be in Charlotte this year, but was pulled by the NBA due to backlash over the North Carolina General Assembly’s HB2 law – better known as the “Bathroom Bill.”

Due to the controversy, the Hornets are urging members of the community to avoid mentioning the game to their state lawmakers.

“We are thrilled the league has awarded NBA All-Star 2019 to the city of Charlotte,” team owner Michael Jordan said in a statement, “As long as no one does anything stupid – coughcoughNCGA – the All-Star weekend will provide a tremendous economic impact to our community while showcasing our city, our franchise and our passionate Hornets fan base to people around the world.”

While Charlotteans should be excited and proud, spokespeople for the NBA are advising to avoid posting the news to social media outlets frequented by state senators.

“Feel free to share the news,” an NBA spokesperson said in a private press conference that barred state lawmakers, “but maybe don’t share it where Senator Phil Berger and the rest of the NCGOP can see it, you know what I mean?”

The controversial HB2 law, which vacated legal protections for LGBT citizens and would have barred transgender individuals from using the bathroom of their choice, was officially repealed after considerable pressure from the NBA, ACC, PayPal, Pearl Jam, and more. The state of North Carolina lost billions as the boycott gained international attention.

“I’m just saying, midterms are next year and we don’t want to give the NCGA any ideas,” Jordan said, “It’s just better if we kept this to ourselves.”

 

Op-Ed: I wore a dress once and I support HB2

JUSTIN SMOLTON, GUEST CONTRIBUTOR

With all the controversy surrounding North Carolina’s “House Bill 2”, which bans convicted rapists from wearing dresses and legally raping women in bathrooms, my social media is blowing up. I see all of my bleeding heart liberals friends posting things calling people who favor HB2 “anti-gay” and “bigots”, but this couldn’t be further from the truth!

I’m a manly man who once wore a dress. And I still support HB2.

The sick and twisted City Council of Charlotte for some reason thought it was a good idea to pass a law that allowed men to wear dresses and rape anyone they wanted. As a man who once wore a dress, let me tell you that you wouldn’t want me anywhere near your daughter’s bathroom! Even though I totally did wear a dress with two inflated balloons for boobies doesn’t mean that I’m gay (I have had a lot of sex with women), but it also doesn’t mean that I should be able to run into a bathroom with little girls.

Diversity is good – except for these sick weirdos

Our city was founded on diversity, and that is what makes us strong. When I go to Plaza Midwood or NoDa I see all sorts of weird tatooed freaks, and I’m totally okay with it (though I do try to high-tail it the hell out of there as quickly as possible!). Apparently, getting holes in your face and switching genders are what today’s young people are into. And more power to them! Like I said, I put on a wig and pretended to be a dumb broad one Halloween – I get it. But men who sneak into girls bathrooms just so they can take advantage of tiny defenseless baby girls is just wrong and they don’t deserve a law protecting them!

I don’t hate gay people, just rapists

No one likes rapists, right? So why are so many people in Charlotte suddenly in favor of rape??  I can’t get it. Trust me, I have had sex with many women consensually and I’d never need to rape anyone so I wouldn’t even know what a rapist was thinking, but if I were to want to rape someone, this law would have let me! Isn’t that sick??

Look, we all want to go into the girl’s bathroom but we don’t.

Sure, when I was a kid I snuck into the girl’s locker room so I could get a peek. And yes, I watch a lot of upskirt pornos, and I mean, yeah technically my fraternity brother “raped” a girl when I was in college (she was into it, but totally lied about it), but that’s not what I was talking about. These animal urges to hurt women are totally natural, but you can’t act on them! And making a law to support these urges is totally wrong.

Thank you Governor McCrory and the General Assembly for passing HB2 as every narrow-minded homophobe wanted.

BREAKING: Charlotte Boycotts North Carolina

CLT Mayor Bans All Non-Essential Employee Travel to North Carolina

CHARLOTTE: Joining boycotts by the ACC, NCAA, the NBA, New York City, Seattle, West Virginia and many Fortune 500 companies, Charlotte Mayor Jennifer Roberts announced that the Queen City will boycott North Carolina based on the controversial HB2 measure, which removes protection from discrimination for LGBT individuals.

“We cannot in good conscience do business with a state that is so behind the times on equality,” Mayor Roberts said, “Therefore, we are hereby banning all non-essential employee travel to North Carolina and advise our employees to not purchase anything in North Carolina.”

The North Carolina General Assembly’s swift and unprecedented measure was written and passed within 13 hours – with only 5 minutes for delegates to read the law. The law reverses Charlotte’s anti-discrimination measure and prohibits cities and counties from creating ordinances that would protect lesbian, gay, and transgender people.

“North Carolina is a national embarrassment,” said NC Senator Jeff Jackson, “And we are advising our constituents in the Charlotte area to not step foot in such a backwards state.”

Ever recalcitrant, Governor Pat McCrory responded at a press conference, “Fine, we don’t need your stupid city anyway. The Panthers and Hornets are lame, we have Duke so screw you guys with your gay rapist poopers.”