God On Acid

Religious Leaders Confirm Creator Of Universe Trippin’ Pretty Hard Right Now

EARTH: Religious Leaders including Pope Francis I, His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, The Archbishop of Canterbury, Bartholomew I of Constantinople, The Jathedar of Akal Takht, and various leading Rabbis, Muftis , Clerics, Imams, Pastors, Priests, Preachers, and that jerk from Scientology have all determined that God is on drugs.

Spiritual leaders came to this conclusion through their observations of world events and their religious interactions with the Divine Ruler of the Universe that confirm that He is, like, totally trippin’ His face off right now.

“The Lord has revealed through His divine grace, that He is wacked out of His freakin’ gourd,” said Pope Francis in a speech from the Vatican, “Seriously, He’s  trippin’ balls.”

Citing recent unprecedented and historic events such as the violent attempted coup in Turkey, climate change, the Brexit vote, Pokemon Go and whatever the hell is going on with Donald Trump – religious leaders of all faiths are quite certain that our Lord and Savior is high as a damn kite.

“The other day, I was praying to our Lord in the usual way,” Bartholomew I said, “And I heard His voice! Hallelujah! But then I realized what he was saying. ‘Dude, what if I microwaved a burrito so hot EVEN I COULDN’T EAT IT!’… He then proceeded to laugh for like, twenty minutes.”

The Creator of the Universe could not be reached for comment, but as of press time He had 3 children walk off of a cliff while playing Pokemon Go, which experts interpret as some kind of statement on the allegations.

“All I know is I don’t want to be around when He comes down…” His Holiness The Dalai Lama said, “Whew boy! That’s gonna be one hell of a mess!”

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Review: OMG This Yummy Food Is So Delish!!!

tumblr_inline_n5zmcd3MiA1qjodxz LOLCLT FOOD CRITIC: Ashley Wilson

So, like, today I was such a lazy fatty on the couch and trying to think about what to do and I asked my dogs and they were like, “OMG mom, you are totally cray-cray rn srsly!”. So, lacking their help I decided to try out this new restaurant I read about on my friend’s blog that she said was TOTES amazeballs.

Guess What ? This Restaurant IS Amazeballs.

When I got to the restaurant, I was like…uhhhh are you kidding me right now? There were so many old uncool people and the decorations were SO blah. Like, seriously, it looked like my crazy aunt’s house in there – and not the fun, crazy aunt who got me that cute sweater last Christmas that had reindeer pooping! Like, the crazy aunt who owns too many cats and only posts racist stuff on Facebook.

CD+Interior+2

But, This Food Is Like, Totes Rocking My World Right Now

ANYWAY, when I sat down I noticed that the menu didn’t have any craft cocktails, but they had like, one craft beer so I got that. The server was nice but not like, too creepy nice you know? Then I read the menu and found the my true love: Kreamy Kale Tacos.

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YUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!

Srsly you guys, these tacos are so redic delish. The kale is so healthy and yummy and the sauce is so glorious I wish I could bathe in it! YAS! I literally could eat 100 of these things (OMG can you imagine how much yoga I’d have to do to work THAT off?! #WORTHIT).

These tacos are so delish that I must have looked like such a pig scarfing them down! I swear I had like, an orgasm eating this. I totes heard someone be all like, “I’ll have what SHE’S having!”

OMG You HAVE To Try These

If you’re in the Charlotte area and want to have the yummiest tacos of your entire life, you NEED to stop what you’re doing and head to this restaurant. I, like, totally don’t even remember what it was called, but it’s over there like, near NoDa or Plaza or something, but like, kind of in a back street with a lot of trees? IDK just Google it on Yelp or something.

Review: 5 / 7 Stars

7stars

Op-Ed: I wore a dress once and I support HB2

JUSTIN SMOLTON, GUEST CONTRIBUTOR

With all the controversy surrounding North Carolina’s “House Bill 2”, which bans convicted rapists from wearing dresses and legally raping women in bathrooms, my social media is blowing up. I see all of my bleeding heart liberals friends posting things calling people who favor HB2 “anti-gay” and “bigots”, but this couldn’t be further from the truth!

I’m a manly man who once wore a dress. And I still support HB2.

The sick and twisted City Council of Charlotte for some reason thought it was a good idea to pass a law that allowed men to wear dresses and rape anyone they wanted. As a man who once wore a dress, let me tell you that you wouldn’t want me anywhere near your daughter’s bathroom! Even though I totally did wear a dress with two inflated balloons for boobies doesn’t mean that I’m gay (I have had a lot of sex with women), but it also doesn’t mean that I should be able to run into a bathroom with little girls.

Diversity is good – except for these sick weirdos

Our city was founded on diversity, and that is what makes us strong. When I go to Plaza Midwood or NoDa I see all sorts of weird tatooed freaks, and I’m totally okay with it (though I do try to high-tail it the hell out of there as quickly as possible!). Apparently, getting holes in your face and switching genders are what today’s young people are into. And more power to them! Like I said, I put on a wig and pretended to be a dumb broad one Halloween – I get it. But men who sneak into girls bathrooms just so they can take advantage of tiny defenseless baby girls is just wrong and they don’t deserve a law protecting them!

I don’t hate gay people, just rapists

No one likes rapists, right? So why are so many people in Charlotte suddenly in favor of rape??  I can’t get it. Trust me, I have had sex with many women consensually and I’d never need to rape anyone so I wouldn’t even know what a rapist was thinking, but if I were to want to rape someone, this law would have let me! Isn’t that sick??

Look, we all want to go into the girl’s bathroom but we don’t.

Sure, when I was a kid I snuck into the girl’s locker room so I could get a peek. And yes, I watch a lot of upskirt pornos, and I mean, yeah technically my fraternity brother “raped” a girl when I was in college (she was into it, but totally lied about it), but that’s not what I was talking about. These animal urges to hurt women are totally natural, but you can’t act on them! And making a law to support these urges is totally wrong.

Thank you Governor McCrory and the General Assembly for passing HB2 as every narrow-minded homophobe wanted.

69 – In Defense of the Only Funny Number

Happy 6/9 - Summer LOLstice

It’s June 9th, and for the more mature crowd out there it’s just another boring Tuesday. But for the juvenile jokesters of the world it is a holiday: it’s 6/9. Which looks like 69, which is hilarious. At LOL CLT I’ve declared this day the Summer LOLstice – a day to celebrate that most immature and fleeting of pleasures: the world’s only funny number.

Ah, sixty-nine. The bane of math teachers everywhere. The last bastion for comedy in the bleak quantitative world of number theory. I myself have fond memories of sniggering conspiratorially in middle school mathematics at the mere mention of that hilarious integer lurking slightly before 70. Back then, I had only the faintest of ideas what that number signified. All I knew was that it had something to do with sex, and that was enough to cause my juvenile mind to quiver into a gelatinous mass of uncontrollable giggling.

69 – The Only Funny Number

To this day, the number 69 makes me smile. I don’t care what precise act of sexual congress it denotes. That’s beside the point. All I know is that it’s a funny number. In fact, it is the ONLY funny number.

Sure, someone had to explain to me embarrassingly late in life that the numerals 6 and 9 look like two people exploring their sexuality. But that’s not why I’ve held on to the number. There’s something magical about a funny number. The world of mathematics is so dry and boring. Anytime I’m involved in a task that requires addition of integers or, heaven forbid, Algebra, I am supremely out of my element. I am uncomfortable in the realm of the strictly quantitative. There’s no nuance, there’s no storytelling, there’s nothing that I find remotely familiar or interesting. I am often lost, confused, frustrated. But then, there’s one equation that always brings levity to the proceedings:

70 – 1 = LOL

For years I have been a dedicated devotee to the cult of the number sixty-nine. Whenever anyone asks me a question that can be answered with a number, it is always 69.

“How many people were there?” “Oh, about 69.”

“How far along have you gotten on that blog?” “Oh, I’d say I’m around 69% done.”

“How much did those shoes cost?” “Probably around $69.00”

“How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” “69.”

The key is the deadpan delivery – the straight-faced innocence that precedes my interlocutors’ realization that I’m an idiot. They’ve been had. That most immature of integers has duped them once again. Most of the time they laugh, sometimes they scoff and only rarely do they seem upset.

The Cult of the Funny Number

It’s gotten to the point where my friends expect me to say that number, and find themselves noticing it in their daily lives. If a study says 69% of people interviewed have a certain opinion, I’m the one who gets a link to the article. If number 69 Jared Allen of the Minnesota Vikings makes a great play, I get the text message. I don’t know how it happened but I became the de facto leader of the Cult of the Funny Number. Worse things have happened in my life. I didn’t always want to be associated with the number sixty-nine but over time I have become a defender of the lonely number. It is awash in negative connotations, it is deemed offensive and uncouth, it has been banned from polite conversation.

6/9 – The Summer LOLstice

Well, today my immature brethren rejoice! It is the LOLstice – and today we celebrate by laughing at the date. The month and the day of the year, expressed in numbers, is finally funny! Comedy has for one, brief and shining moment conquered time and mathematics to get a giggle out of that dour undertaking. For one day, let’s all just sit back and enjoy the rarity and special magic that is 6/9. Because tomorrow won’t be nearly as funny, and there’s no guarantee the next day will be either.

If you’d like to discuss funny stuff, leave a comment here or on my Facebook page or Twitter account.

*I just want to point out that this particular article was written to be precisely 690 words long.

Louis CK Hosts SNL - LOL CLT Comedy Blog

What’s the Big Deal? Louis CK’s SNL Monologue [Video]

Louis C.K.’s Saturday Night Live monologue proved once again why he is a lot of comedians favorite comedian. His fearless and politically incorrect style deals almost exclusively in uncomfortable truth. Louie had the honor of hosting SNL’s 40th season finale, and he took the opportunity to tell uncomfortable truth – emphasis on uncomfortable.

Louie treated his 10 minute monologue as a stand up set – which was refreshing compared to all the celebrity hosts who fluffily promote their movie or trot out their moms to fill time. But, like most acts in a comedy club his bits were nowhere near “politically correct”. Many have found his jokes offensive, and though they undoubtedly were controversial takes on a litany of hot topics – his jokes were tasteful confessions of his (and many people’s) truthful attitudes on race and the Middle East (though I can’t say many people would agree with him on child molestation… lol).

Louis CK’s SNL Monologue

He opened his monologue confessing that he was “mildly racist”. He described his racism as “benign” – for example if he saw four black women running a pizza place he would say “Hm, you don’t see that everyday. See? It’s mild!”

He confessed that seeing a white kid in a hoodie late at night made them think, “Oh he’s an athlete.” But if the kid in the hoodie was black and not smiling, then he’d tense up for a moment only to talk himself down: “Of course everything is going to be fine, why did I think anything else?!”

It was refreshing to have someone admit on live television that racism still exists in America – but it’s less conscious, less vicious, and more subtle. Recent events in Baltimore and St. Louis (and the social media chatter afterward) prove that racism is still alive and well – it’s just less noticeable. It’s not as obvious as separate water fountains, but that doesn’t mean it’s gone completely. It was courageous of Louis C.K. to tackle that subject during a live SNL monologue.

Louie talked about the Middle East in terms of his two children fighting. Basically saying that at first you’re concerned, but after awhile you just can’t care anymore. I thought it was a pretty cogent point, but the biggest laugh was when he impersonated his squawking kids in different voices to demonstrate which one he loved more.

Finally, Louie ended his SNL monologue with the most controversial and offensive point he could think of: child molestation. He introduces the character of Jean Baptiste the town child molester who offered kids McDonalds with a silly French accent. The climax of the bit was when he declared that for child molesters to risk so much that molesting children must be pretty amazing to them. Needless to say, this was a shocking statement said with the probable intent of offending many viewers.  I’m sure many people were – I’d hate to be on the complaint staff for the FCC on Saturday – but in a comedy club that bit would have been pretty tame. If you’ve ever been a comedy club you’ve no doubt seen less skilled comedians tackle more offensive topics in a less funny way. So, to me the joke was kinda funny but many with a less, um, “refined” sense of offensive comedy, were no doubt shocked. I do believe it was a bad call to end his 10 minute set with that bit, but he’s the professional comedian and I’m not.

Louie’s Best Saturday Night Live Sketches

Louis CK killed on Saturday Night Live, owning every sketch he was a part of – even the ill-advised shoemaker’s elves bit that saw tiny elves demanding to be sexually dominated.

The best sketch was Louie committing to talking like a black woman for five years in order to overcome a mildly racist faux pas. It was a classic example of Louie being Louie – it seemed like something he would say in his act.

Honestly, one of the most underrated and hilarious jokes were the sad lumberjack PSAs. It was a simple joke that really landed for me. If you download your books, what will become of the lumberjack? Classic.

Okay that’s enough for now, ya’ll have a good day! Follow LOL CLT on Facebook and Twitter for more awesome comedy news every day!

~ Zach Claywell
http://www.LOLCLT.com