The NBA All-Star Game was scheduled to be in Charlotte this year, but was pulled by the NBA due to backlash over the North Carolina General Assembly’s HB2 law – better known as the “Bathroom Bill.”
Due to the controversy, the Hornets are urging members of the community to avoid mentioning the game to their state lawmakers.
“We are thrilled the league has awarded NBA All-Star 2019 to the city of Charlotte,” team owner Michael Jordan said in a statement, “As long as no one does anything stupid – coughcoughNCGA – the All-Star weekend will provide a tremendous economic impact to our community while showcasing our city, our franchise and our passionate Hornets fan base to people around the world.”
While Charlotteans should be excited and proud, spokespeople for the NBA are advising to avoid posting the news to social media outlets frequented by state senators.
“Feel free to share the news,” an NBA spokesperson said in a private press conference that barred state lawmakers, “but maybe don’t share it where Senator Phil Berger and the rest of the NCGOP can see it, you know what I mean?”
The controversial HB2 law, which vacated legal protections for LGBT citizens and would have barred transgender individuals from using the bathroom of their choice, was officially repealed after considerable pressure from the NBA, ACC, PayPal, Pearl Jam, and more. The state of North Carolina lost billions as the boycott gained international attention.
“I’m just saying, midterms are next year and we don’t want to give the NCGA any ideas,” Jordan said, “It’s just better if we kept this to ourselves.”
CLT Mayor Bans All Non-Essential Employee Travel to North Carolina
CHARLOTTE: Joining boycotts by the ACC, NCAA, the NBA, New York City, Seattle, West Virginia and many Fortune 500 companies, Charlotte Mayor Jennifer Roberts announced that the Queen City will boycott North Carolina based on the controversial HB2 measure, which removes protection from discrimination for LGBT individuals.
“We cannot in good conscience do business with a state that is so behind the times on equality,” Mayor Roberts said, “Therefore, we are hereby banning all non-essential employee travel to North Carolina and advise our employees to not purchase anything in North Carolina.”
The North Carolina General Assembly’s swift and unprecedented measure was written and passed within 13 hours – with only 5 minutes for delegates to read the law. The law reverses Charlotte’s anti-discrimination measure and prohibits cities and counties from creating ordinances that would protect lesbian, gay, and transgender people.
“North Carolina is a national embarrassment,” said NC Senator Jeff Jackson, “And we are advising our constituents in the Charlotte area to not step foot in such a backwards state.”
Ever recalcitrant, Governor Pat McCrory responded at a press conference, “Fine, we don’t need your stupid city anyway. The Panthers and Hornets are lame, we have Duke so screw you guys with your gay rapist poopers.”
NC Businesses May Now Legally Prohibit LGBT People From Pooping
Law Also Bans Cities From Having Governments
DURHAM, NC: In a rousing special session of the North Carolina General Assembly, which cost taxpayers thousands of dollars, Republican leaders successfully banned all protection for lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered individuals in the state from discrimination in a heroic act of partisanship.
By drafting the bill in secret, and only allowing the members of the legislature 5 minutes to read it, the patriotic Republican leaders also were able to negate every non-discrimination bill in the state, while also preventing city and county governments from passing ANY laws that conflict with their narrow-minded interpretation of federal anti-discrimination laws and, indeed, Christian moral values.
“This law is a victory for all heterosexual poopers who want to poop in peace without rapists, er I mean ‘Transgendered’, people attacking them,” Republican Speaker Pro Tempore Paul Stam said, “I believe it was Jesus who said in the Bible, ‘Everyone different than me is a sexual predator and must be discriminated against at all cost.’ I forget which verse that was, but it’s in there. Go check!”
Also included in the landmark bill was the idea that local governments were no longer allowed to create laws that run counter from state law in protecting minorities, raising the minimum wage, and more.
“Today is a wonderful day for socially regressive, tyrannical bigots everywhere,” NC Governor Pat McCrory beamed while signing the bill, “By ensuring that cities and counties can’t create or enforce their own laws, we are ushering in a new day of ‘small government’, in that me and my small group of friends should be the only ones with any governmental power.”
There will be a victory parade held in the state capitol of Raleigh this weekend to celebrate all of the persecuted white heterosexual Christians who scored a rare victory in the culture wars that have been plaguing them since the War on Christmas. Lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgendered people, blacks, hispanics, jews and Democrats will be (legally) barred from attending the parade.
In Historic 7-4 Decision, Charlotte City Council Upholds Homosexual and Transgender Rights to Defecate in Charlotte.
CHARLOTTE, NC: In a controversial decision the Charlotte City Council ruled Monday that it is permissible for members of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender community to evacuate their bowels on city property in Charlotte-Mecklenberg county.
In the heated, 3 hour-long meeting many in the community voiced outrage with the proposal. Some questioned the need for the resolution, maintaining that homosexual and transgendered individuals do not, in fact, pass liquid or solid waste.
“Gays don’t poop! I ain’t never in my life seen a gay poop,” declared protester Rusty Samuelson, “Not that I was looking or anything….”
“I have pored over countless hours of ‘Will & Grace’, ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’, and everything Neil Patrick Harris has done and I have yet to find any evidence of homosexual defecation,” said Charlotte native Dr. Anthony Diesla, “I believe until we can confirm the existence of this phenomenon we do not need to codify it into law.”
Leaders in the Charlotte LGBT community explained very, very slowly that homosexual and transgendered people were indeed human beings, and thus biological organisms which digest food and therefore excrete waste in the form of urine and feces.
“It seems to me that, despite all outward appearances to the contrary, these people are telling the truth,” councilman Al Austin said, “I believe they should have the right to micturate their digestive secretions in our fair city just like any other citizens.”
North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory said in a statement that the idea of homosexuals and transgendered people using the bathroom was “icky” and vowed to stop any measures that allowed them to excrete waste products in the state of North Carolina.