CHARLOTTE, NC: According to a recent story in the Charlotte Observer, Charlotte is no longer the #2 banking center in the country. Losing the title to San Francisco is a huge blow to the identity of a city built around banking.
But while New York and San Francisco may have Charlotte beat in terms of dollar amounts, they’ll never tarnish the Queen City’s shining cultural jewel: The Banker Bro.
The Banker Bro is a Charlotte institution that has defined the societal milieu of the city since the beginning. Successful, wealthy, confident and khaki-clad, these masters of the universe are worthy of our praise and our vigorous defense.
We visited Fitzgerald’s Uptown to get some Banker Bro reaction to the latest news.
“Dude, like, that’s a total bummer,” said Jake Masterson a junior analyst at Wells Fargo, “But with current market projections the way they are, the st… hold on, Tony is ordering shots. HEY TONE BONE MAKE MINE A DOUBLE HAHA! Sorry, what were we talking about?”
As of press time, the shots had been consumed and another round was being ordered. Down, but never out, the spirit of the Banker Bro, like Charlotte itself, remains defiant and indefatigable.
CHARLOTTE, NC: Local sports fan Ben Clementine was admittedly heartbroken over his favorite team losing their opening game of the year, but remained resolute.
“It’s just a stupid game anyway,” said Clementine, who plans his entire life around said game, “It doesn’t even matter.”
Clementine, whose face was painted in the team’s colors while wearing a large wig on game-day, said that even though he is a fan he won’t let his life be affected by it.
“There are so many bigger issues in the world, man,” said Clementine, who can name every player on the 53 man roster going back for 10 years but cannot name his congressman, “At the end of the day you just got to let it go.”
As of press time Clementine, who has missed 3 weddings and the funeral of his great-aunt due to his fandom, was posting nasty messages on opposing teams’ social media accounts, while taking regular breaks for jags of inconsolable sobbing.
“It’s just whatever, you know? I’ve got so much else in my life going on.”
Religious Leaders Confirm Creator Of Universe Trippin’ Pretty Hard Right Now
EARTH: Religious Leaders including Pope Francis I, His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, The Archbishop of Canterbury, Bartholomew I of Constantinople, The Jathedar of Akal Takht, and various leading Rabbis, Muftis , Clerics, Imams, Pastors, Priests, Preachers, and that jerk from Scientology have all determined that God is on drugs.
Spiritual leaders came to this conclusion through their observations of world events and their religious interactions with the Divine Ruler of the Universe that confirm that He is, like, totally trippin’ His face off right now.
“The Lord has revealed through His divine grace, that He is wacked out of His freakin’ gourd,” said Pope Francis in a speech from the Vatican, “Seriously, He’s trippin’ balls.”
Citing recent unprecedented and historic events such as the violent attempted coup in Turkey, climate change, the Brexit vote, Pokemon Go and whatever the hell is going on with Donald Trump – religious leaders of all faiths are quite certain that our Lord and Savior is high as a damn kite.
“The other day, I was praying to our Lord in the usual way,” Bartholomew I said, “And I heard His voice! Hallelujah! But then I realized what he was saying. ‘Dude, what if I microwaved a burrito so hot EVEN I COULDN’T EAT IT!’… He then proceeded to laugh for like, twenty minutes.”
The Creator of the Universe could not be reached for comment, but as of press time He had 3 children walk off of a cliff while playing Pokemon Go, which experts interpret as some kind of statement on the allegations.
“All I know is I don’t want to be around when He comes down…” His Holiness The Dalai Lama said, “Whew boy! That’s gonna be one hell of a mess!”
Walking, Interacting With Other Humans No Longer Required
TOKYO: Gaming giant and Pokemon creators Nintendo announced today that they will be launching a new app targeted at Pokemon GO players who are too lazy to actually walk around. The new game Pokemon STOP will be the same game, except with no GPS locator – so it will not respond to the environment around you, nor require you to walk in order to play.
“The biggest criticism we’ve gotten so far from Pokemon GO players is that they’re tired from all the walking,” Nintendo CEO Tatsumi Kimishima said in a press conference, “Now, we have fixed this issue with our newest game Pokemon STOP!”
The game will also feature more dialogue and more Pokemon, though at the cost of less dynamic graphics. The game will not be available on smart phones, but on a device known as a “Nintendo Gameboy”. The “Gameboy” device features a Custom 8-bit Sharp LR35902 core at 4.19 MHz processor, 8 kB internal S-RAM, and a revolutionary black on green display.
Despite this, gamers are welcoming the decision.
“Man, I love Pokemon GO but I hate walking!” said 16-year-old gamer Brice Danvison, “This is gonna be soooo sick, though! I can play in class now!”
Unread Article’s Provocative Headline Gives Commenters Just Enough to Rant About
Charlotte, NC: Based on the content of the headline alone, hundreds of internet commentators somehow had just enough information to form wildly biased and inaccurate arguments today. Despite the article having 0 views, social media users found countless ways to insult, berate and chide each other through the use of GIFs, memes, hashtags, and illogical, misspelled missives.
The humble headline, though only 5 words long, incited heated reactions on both sides of the issue, who resorted to name-calling and immature mudslinging within minutes of the article going up.
Many raised objections to the publishing of the article itself, though they had not read it.
“Can’t belive this libtard rag published ANOTHER stupid post. Unfollowed!” one comment vented.
“Typical convservative BS! Learn to spell before you embarrass yourself more, idiot! #DeleteURAccount” responded another.
Many used the headline as a prompt to bring up unrelated issues that were, in their minds, tangentially related.
“Oh great, first this and than they’ll come to take away are guns. Whatever happened to freedom?! #ThanksObama” an anonymous commenter added, though the article he or she didn’t read did not mention guns in any conceivable way.
“Maybe they shud take away ur guns, butthole! Have u been watching the news? Grow up.” responded an another anonymous account.
Though the reactions were ignorant, uninformed nonsense, the publisher of the article is collecting the feedback for use in a future article. They plan to make a slideshow of every angry tweet in an attempt to increase views for their advertisers.
As of press time, no evidence points to the article having been read.
Host of Open Mic Doctored Sign-up List to Favor Funny Comedians
CHARLOTTE, NC: In a shocking scandal that is rocking the comedy world, Corey Robertson, local comedian and host of the weekly amateur open mic night at the Fort Mill Comedy Zone is accused of altering the order of the sign-up list in order to favor comedians that he personally knew were funny.
“This is a disgusting perversion of justice,” said Charlie Wisenheimer, president of the National Association of Comedians, “The open mic sign up list is a sacred thing. If we abandon the hallowed tradition of the rule of law, then we will plunge into anarchy.”
According to a statement by the victim of the heinous crime “COMEDIAN JAY HAHA”, he was first to sign up on the list, and yet was next to last to perform at the open mic.
“This racist-ass cracker SAW my damn name on the list, and then when his friends walked in, all of a sudden they’re up next!” said Mr. Haha, who is unemployed and has never performed anywhere but open mics, “It’s bullshit!”
Robertson, for his part, is not denying the charges.
“I run this open mic for free, I don’t even get a free drink,” the racist-ass cracker said, “I mean, it’s Fort Mill so when I saw these professional comedians who were headlining at The Charlotte Comedy Zone walk in, I had to let them up while the crowd was still awake!”
Asked about the victim of his irresponsible actions, Robertson asked, “Who?”
“OH! That guy! Yeah, he always goes up and makes everyone feel really awkward,” Robertson recalled, “Last week he almost started a fight by saying he was going to ‘fuck this bitch’ in the front row sitting next to her boyfriend. I had to get the bouncer…”
A spokesman for the Fort Mill Comedy Zone could not be reached for comment, though the bartender who answered the phone indicated that Wednesday night is Karaoke and confirmed that $3 Bud Lights are on special.
I Ran Paid Social Media Ads So You Would Read This, But I Shouldn’t Have
Today, online media is more crowded than ever. There are literally millions of articles on millions of websites vying for your attention. “Did you see the latest dress this celebrity wore?” the headlines ask. “People are Outraged Over This Thing!!! You’ll Never Guess Why!” they blare.
With so much competition in the marketplace, organic, grassroots social media and blog content from small blogs such as this one have little-to-no chance of reaching people’s eyeballs. What happened?
Algorithms Are Gonna Get Ya
It used to be, in the “good ol’ days” of social media, that you’d just see the articles that you liked, from the people you knew and trusted. Well, those days are over. Why? Simple: Money. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest and more have changed their newsfeeds in order to prioritize advertising and sponsored content.
This means that posts made by your friends in the last few hours (which is normally what you’d see when you scrolled through your social media pages) have been bumped down and jumbled up in order to present more sponsored content provided by advertisers.
The Great Paywall of Social
The effect has been devastating for blogs such as this one, which relied on organic impressions in order to “go viral”. It used to be, if we posted a blog at the right time of day with the right hilarious headline, then people would see it in their timelines and share it. However, now content from this site is hidden behind a “paywall”, meaning that unless we pay Facebook and/or Twitter then you’ll never see it. Well, a few of you will. Hi mom!
If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late
If you’re reading this, I greatly appreciate it. I’m not going to say I work “hard” on this project (my update history would beg to differ), but I am passionate about writing things that make people laugh.
I’m not complaining or whining about anything – I’m just playing the game. So, I spent a few bucks so this would rise above the paywall and you’d actually be able to see it. Was it worth it? Well, I’m not so sure about that. You tell me!
Like, Comment, Share this article here on WordPress and on your social media outlets to show your support. As always, feel free to follow us on Facebook and Twitter. Thank you!
If you’re like many of us, you want to get healthy but can’t figure out how! There are so many blogs dedicated to helping find a healthier you, but no one ever reads them and no one will ever read this either so what’s the point?
Without further ado, here are the top five health tips that you can do today to make your life better, but you won’t because no one will ever even read this useless blog!
This is a stock photo of a woman drinking water. It’s the featured image on a blog no one will ever read.
1. Drink Water
Did you know that most people don’t drink enough water? You probably did know that, actually, because there are literally millions of useless blogs out there that state this daily. You should drink 8 cups of water a day. If you need to read a blog to tell you to drink water, you’re probably already dead because no one will even read this. But, hey I did search for an hour looking for a stock photo of a woman drinking water, so that’s something I guess. I wonder what she’s up to right now? Does she know her face is attached to this useless garbage?
Exercise is a great way to get exercise! It has many health benefits, unlike this blog which is of no benefit at all except to this website’s SEO score. Speaking of SEO did you know fitness, jogging, running, swimming, biking, and lifting weights are all types of exercise? Yes, yes you did know that and even if you didn’t, you don’t know it now because you’re not reading this.
3. Eat Small Meals
A number of small meals each day is a good tip that I stole from some other blog that no one ever read for this blog that no one will ever read. Does anyone ever do this? “Oh, I know what I’ll do,” said no one ever, “I’ll read this blog and then do what it says and completely change all my eating habits.” Man, this blog is so freakin’ pointless. Good thing you aren’t reading it!
4. Take Breaks
Sitting all day at work can be bad for your health. Especially if your job is writing stupid blog content on a page no one will ever even visit. I could literally say anything right now and it wouldn’t matter because no one will read this. Did you know that reading blogs causes cancer? Nope, you don’t know that because you would have to read this and also it’s not true.
Yeah, I’m sure that this is the blog that you’ll read that will finally make you start meditating. Yup. This is it. This blog. Looking to make a huge life change? This blog is the place to find it. I really don’t know why I’m even writing this. Will it help my Search Engine Result Page (SERP) ranking? Meh, probably not. Even if it does, who cares? If a million people visit this site, then I’ll just have to write more stupid bullshit articles like this one that no one will even read.
Follow these five steps and you’ll be the first person in history to ever actually read such a abjectly needless SEO blog post and benefit in any way! I hate my life.
You see it a lot: blogs telling you that this food or that toy is going to literally kill your child. News reports on television warn parents to watch out for creeps trying to kidnap their children. Every day millions of people online discuss the dangers of toxic chemicals that are hidden in everyday products. WELL GUESS WHAT IT’S ALL TRUE! EVERY WORD OF IT!!! YOU SHOULD FREAK THE HELL OUT RIGHT NOW!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LITERALLY EVERYTHING IS KILLING YOUR KIDS
From their toys, to their food to the air that they breathe, every single thing on the entire planet Earth is currently attempting to MURDER YOUR INFANT. If there is an item that physically exists in the metaphysical realm in which we inhabit, it is currently hatching a sinister plan to slowly and violently destroy the precious life that you are working to nurture.
How did this happen? How did everything become so deadly?
EVERYTHING IS MADE OF POISONOUS CHEMICALS
Chemicals are an undetectable killer. Lead, formaldehyde, carbon monoxide, BPA, sodium, parabens, proplyene glycol, gasoline, radioactive waste, Teflon, and battery acid are all examples of toxic chemicals that ARE IN EVERYTHING IN YOUR HOME! These insidious molecules are currently COURSING THROUGH THE VEINS OF YOUR BELOVED LITTLE ONES. If you or your baby have ever worn, eaten, or breathed near ANYTHING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD then that means that there are CHEMICALS IN YOUR BODY RIGHT NOW!
EVERYONE IS PLOTTING TO STEAL YOUR BABY
It’s not just objects that you have to worry about, EVERY OTHER HUMAN BEING ON THE PLANET is right now CONSPIRING TO ABDUCT YOUR CHILD. Everyone, including me, your spouse, all of your friends and family members, every parent and teacher at your child’s school, the clergy and parishioners of your church, and everyone who has ever played for the Denver Broncos is at this exact moment SCHEMING TO KIDNAP your kid. We meet on Tuesdays.
But even if you protect your children from everything and everyone on the planet, there is still one killer that is in your midst right this very moment. In the room with you RIGHT NOW AS YOU’RE READING THIS! A MURDERER IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU AND YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW IT!!!
THE INEXORABLE MARCH OF TIME MURDERS US ALL
Yes, that’s right, even if you could somehow protect your children form the myriad external dangers, the internal biological clock that regulates their body – their heart and their brain and all of their vital organs – is slowly deteriorating and will continue to disintegrate into nothing over the course of time. YOUR BODY IS YOUR ENEMY AND IT IS KILLING YOU AND YOUR CHILD FROM WITHIN!!!
READING THIS ARTICLE WILL HURT YOUR FAMILY
The electromagnetic wave vibrations emitted by this electronic device is penetrating your corneas and causing untold damage to your brain tissue. THIS ARTICLE WILL GIVE YOU BRAIN CANCER STOP READING IT RIGHT NOW OH MY GOD I’M WRITING IT THAT’S EVEN WORSE AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, like, today I was such a lazy fatty on the couch and trying to think about what to do and I asked my dogs and they were like, “OMG mom, you are totally cray-cray rn srsly!”. So, lacking their help I decided to try out this new restaurant I read about on my friend’s blog that she said was TOTES amazeballs.
Guess What ? This Restaurant IS Amazeballs.
When I got to the restaurant, I was like…uhhhh are you kidding me right now? There were so many old uncool people and the decorations were SO blah. Like, seriously, it looked like my crazy aunt’s house in there – and not the fun, crazy aunt who got me that cute sweater last Christmas that had reindeer pooping! Like, the crazy aunt who owns too many cats and only posts racist stuff on Facebook.
But, This Food Is Like, Totes Rocking My World Right Now
ANYWAY, when I sat down I noticed that the menu didn’t have any craft cocktails, but they had like, one craft beer so I got that. The server was nice but not like, too creepy nice you know? Then I read the menu and found the my true love: Kreamy Kale Tacos.
Srsly you guys, these tacos are so redic delish. The kale is so healthy and yummy and the sauce is so glorious I wish I could bathe in it! YAS! I literally could eat 100 of these things (OMG can you imagine how much yoga I’d have to do to work THAT off?! #WORTHIT).
These tacos are so delish that I must have looked like such a pig scarfing them down! I swear I had like, an orgasm eating this. I totes heard someone be all like, “I’ll have what SHE’S having!”
OMG You HAVE To Try These
If you’re in the Charlotte area and want to have the yummiest tacos of your entire life, you NEED to stop what you’re doing and head to this restaurant. I, like, totally don’t even remember what it was called, but it’s over there like, near NoDa or Plaza or something, but like, kind of in a back street with a lot of trees? IDK just Google it on Yelp or something.