Charlotte To Host 2019 NBA All Star Game (As Long As NCGA Doesn’t Screw It Up)

CHARLOTTE, NC: The Charlotte Hornets have officially announced (to everyone except the NCGA) the NBA’s decision to allow Charlotte to host the 2019 NBA All-Star Game.

The NBA All-Star Game was scheduled to be in Charlotte this year, but was pulled by the NBA due to backlash over the North Carolina General Assembly’s HB2 law – better known as the “Bathroom Bill.”

Due to the controversy, the Hornets are urging members of the community to avoid mentioning the game to their state lawmakers.

“We are thrilled the league has awarded NBA All-Star 2019 to the city of Charlotte,” team owner Michael Jordan said in a statement, “As long as no one does anything stupid – coughcoughNCGA – the All-Star weekend will provide a tremendous economic impact to our community while showcasing our city, our franchise and our passionate Hornets fan base to people around the world.”

While Charlotteans should be excited and proud, spokespeople for the NBA are advising to avoid posting the news to social media outlets frequented by state senators.

“Feel free to share the news,” an NBA spokesperson said in a private press conference that barred state lawmakers, “but maybe don’t share it where Senator Phil Berger and the rest of the NCGOP can see it, you know what I mean?”

The controversial HB2 law, which vacated legal protections for LGBT citizens and would have barred transgender individuals from using the bathroom of their choice, was officially repealed after considerable pressure from the NBA, ACC, PayPal, Pearl Jam, and more. The state of North Carolina lost billions as the boycott gained international attention.

“I’m just saying, midterms are next year and we don’t want to give the NCGA any ideas,” Jordan said, “It’s just better if we kept this to ourselves.”

 

5 Tips To A Healthy Life No One Will Ever Read

If you’re like many of us, you want to get healthy but can’t figure out how! There are so many blogs dedicated to helping find a healthier you, but no one ever reads them and no one will ever read this either so what’s the point?

Without further ado, here are the top five health tips that you can do today to make your life better, but you won’t because no one will ever even read this useless blog!

No one will ever see this, so why am I even bothering to put in alt text?

This is a stock photo of a woman drinking water. It’s the featured image on a blog no one will ever read.

1. Drink Water

Did you know that most people don’t drink enough water? You probably did know that, actually, because there are literally millions of useless blogs out there that state this daily. You should drink 8 cups of water a day. If you need to read a blog to tell you to drink water, you’re probably already dead because no one will even read this. But, hey I did search for an hour looking for a stock photo of a woman drinking water, so that’s something I guess. I wonder what she’s up to right now? Does she know her face is attached to this useless garbage?

2. Exercise

Exercise is a great way to get exercise! It has many health benefits, unlike this blog which is of no benefit at all except to this website’s SEO score. Speaking of SEO did you know fitness, jogging, running, swimming, biking, and lifting weights are all types of exercise? Yes, yes you did know that and even if you didn’t, you don’t know it now because you’re not reading this.

3. Eat Small Meals

A number of small meals each day is a good tip that I stole from some other blog that no one ever read for this blog that no one will ever read. Does anyone ever do this? “Oh, I know what I’ll do,” said no one ever, “I’ll read this blog and then do what it says and completely change all my eating habits.” Man, this blog is so freakin’ pointless. Good thing you aren’t reading it!

4. Take Breaks

Sitting all day at work can be bad for your health. Especially if your job is writing stupid blog content on a page no one will ever even visit. I could literally say anything right now and it wouldn’t matter because no one will read this. Did you know that reading blogs causes cancer? Nope, you don’t know that because you would have to read this and also it’s not true.

5. Meditate

Yeah, I’m sure that this is the blog that you’ll read that will finally make you start meditating. Yup. This is it. This blog. Looking to make a huge life change? This blog is the place to find it. I really don’t know why I’m even writing this. Will it help my Search Engine Result Page (SERP) ranking? Meh, probably not. Even if it does, who cares? If a million people visit this site, then I’ll just have to write more stupid bullshit articles like this one that no one will even read.

Follow these five steps and you’ll be the first person in history to ever actually read such a abjectly needless SEO blog post and benefit in any way! I hate my life.

BREAKING: Charlotte Boycotts North Carolina

CLT Mayor Bans All Non-Essential Employee Travel to North Carolina

CHARLOTTE: Joining boycotts by the ACC, NCAA, the NBA, New York City, Seattle, West Virginia and many Fortune 500 companies, Charlotte Mayor Jennifer Roberts announced that the Queen City will boycott North Carolina based on the controversial HB2 measure, which removes protection from discrimination for LGBT individuals.

“We cannot in good conscience do business with a state that is so behind the times on equality,” Mayor Roberts said, “Therefore, we are hereby banning all non-essential employee travel to North Carolina and advise our employees to not purchase anything in North Carolina.”

The North Carolina General Assembly’s swift and unprecedented measure was written and passed within 13 hours – with only 5 minutes for delegates to read the law. The law reverses Charlotte’s anti-discrimination measure and prohibits cities and counties from creating ordinances that would protect lesbian, gay, and transgender people.

“North Carolina is a national embarrassment,” said NC Senator Jeff Jackson, “And we are advising our constituents in the Charlotte area to not step foot in such a backwards state.”

Ever recalcitrant, Governor Pat McCrory responded at a press conference, “Fine, we don’t need your stupid city anyway. The Panthers and Hornets are lame, we have Duke so screw you guys with your gay rapist poopers.”

VICTORY! Hero NC Republicans Ban Gay Poopers; All City Governments

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Gov. McCrory Celebrating Discrimination

NC Businesses May Now Legally Prohibit LGBT People From Pooping

Law Also Bans Cities From Having Governments

 

DURHAM, NC: In a rousing special session of the North Carolina General Assembly, which cost taxpayers thousands of dollars, Republican leaders successfully banned all protection for lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered individuals in the state from discrimination in a heroic act of partisanship.

By drafting the bill in secret, and only allowing the members of the legislature 5 minutes to read it, the patriotic Republican leaders also were able to negate every non-discrimination bill in the state, while also preventing city and county governments from passing ANY laws that conflict with their narrow-minded interpretation of federal anti-discrimination laws and, indeed, Christian moral values.

“This law is a victory for all heterosexual poopers who want to poop in peace without rapists, er I mean ‘Transgendered’, people attacking them,” Republican Speaker Pro Tempore Paul Stam said, “I believe it was Jesus who said in the Bible, ‘Everyone different than me is a sexual predator and must be discriminated against at all cost.’ I forget which verse that was, but it’s in there. Go check!”

Also included in the landmark bill was the idea that local governments were no longer allowed to create laws that run counter from state law in protecting minorities, raising the minimum wage, and more.

“Today is a wonderful day for socially regressive, tyrannical bigots everywhere,” NC Governor Pat McCrory beamed while signing the bill, “By ensuring that cities and counties can’t create or enforce their own laws, we are ushering in a new day of ‘small government’, in that me and my small group of friends should be the only ones with any governmental power.”

There will be a victory parade held in the state capitol of Raleigh this weekend to celebrate all of the persecuted white heterosexual Christians who scored a rare victory in the culture wars that have been plaguing them since the War on Christmas. Lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgendered people, blacks, hispanics, jews and Democrats will be (legally) barred from attending the parade.

CAM NEWTON WINS NC PRIMARY

Carolina Quarterback Wins Landslide Write-in Campaign in North Carolina Primary Election

CHARLOTTE, NC: Panthers quarterback Cameron Newton won both the Democratic and Republican North Carolina presidential primaries today. In a landslide victory, the NFL MVP picked up all 72 Republican and 107 Democratic delegates in the state, putting him well ahead of Marco Rubio, John Kasich and Martin O’Malley.

Despite not being on the ballot, nor old enough to legally be the President, the popular Carolina quarterback released a statement on his Facebook page:

“1 want to THANKuGODforG1ViNGmeTH1Splatform🙌🏾👼🏾🙌🏾👼🏾🙌🏾👼🏾🙌🏾👼iW1LLbeFOREVERgreatfu1 to PANTHERNAT1ON for forming  äBONDthatW1LLneverBEbrøken! We need an•1NNOVATiVE•nat1on•that•BR1NGS•us•ÂLL
🏼👉🏽👉🏾👉🏿TØGETHER👈🏻👈🏼👈🏽🏿 with 1essHÄTËmore1ŌVĒ
-1OVE”

There is no word yet on how Democratic candidates are taking the news, but a Republican front-runner Donald Trump had this to say:

“This guy, this ‘Scam’ Newton guy, this guy, look, I know he’s popular but what does he actually do? He’s throwing a ball! ‘Oh look at me I can throw a ball’ Okay? This loser plays football, but I owned an entire football LEAGUE, that’s YUUUGE. A whole league, okay? He doesn’t even own a football, I owned an entire LEAGUE? What a loser.”

 

 

[Review] – Blayrious at Phil’s Tavern – 9/24

It was a cold, wet, rainy, blah kind of wednesday. The kind of day that makes you want to stay in bed and watch netflix until your eyes bleed. The kind of day where you could really use a good laugh. And that’s why it was a great idea to check out the Blayrious Comedy Show at Phil’s Tavern (105 E 5th St).

 

Hosted by the incomparable Blayr Nias, the show was a quick-witted mix of local talent and comedians from surrounding areas. Nelson Santiago, Chesney Goodson, JD Colwell, and Ryan Van Genderen, Ryan Davis, and Zaidoon Al-Zubaidy represented the Queen City while Kelly Ryan held down Raleigh and  Topher Riddle , John Gibson and Jenn Snyder flew in from Columbia and boy were their arms tired!

Blayr is a fast-talking, hardworking woman who is always thinking about her next show. “I’m so glad we get to do a show here, it’s such an awesome location,” Blayr said, “I can’t thank the owner Jenn Lloyd enough for letting us tell jokes at Phil’s!”

The show opened with Nelson Santiago whose sets never fail to make me giggle. Nelson became my bro for life after he graciously negotiated in spanish with a Mexican clown for my Cinco de Mayo show last year. I mean, if that’s not true friendship, what is??

Topher Riddle was next, and he hilariously described being mistaken for Fat Superman. And really, why are there no fat superheroes? I smell discrimination. Or maybe that’s one of Phil’s burger specials…(wink wink shameless plug to try and get free burgers nudge nudge lol).

Ryan Davis was, as Blayr says, “as consistent as my bowels. Acutally, that may not be appropriate. But he IS consistently funny!”

Zaidoon Al-Zubaidy did a great set about being a Muslim in the South, including his wondering why there isn’t a MuslimMingle.com!

Chesney had another great set, like always. He noticed that technology today really does what conspiracy theorists of yore could only mindlessly babble about, like track our location at all times. It was a salient point, and also hilarious!

JD Colwell (The J stands for Jizzle and the D stands for Dizzle), had the crowd cracking up at his classy cracker conundrums. Like being the only 6 year old white kid at an NWA concert! Jizzle Dizzle Sizzled in the Drizzle for Shizzle.

Ryan Van Genderen is always hilarious, but even more so when his girlfriend Blayr is the host. I can’t imagine having to introduce my girlfriend or vice versa, but it’s always so funny when they do! Ryan hilariously risked sleeping on the couch when he compared Blayr’s pigtails a black Pippi Longstockings.

“You know how they black version of the Wizard of Oz was ‘The Wiz’?” Ryan asked, “Tonight she looks like ‘The Pip’!”

It’s not a joke I would try on my girlfriend, but then again my girlfriend isn’t a stand up comedian!

Kelly Ryan did a great set about her love of football and distaste for babies. She memorably described a story where she saw a baby in a “Fuck Cancer” onesie. She said the outfit was appropriate because “babies really are a cancer that you get from fucking!” That had Phil’s Tavern howling with laughter.

John Gibson shared his hilarious observations about the girl from The Ring. Like, if she lived in the bottom of the well, how did she keep producing VHS tapes?? And if the movie was updated, would she still use a home phone? Or would she just text? It was a hilarious look at horror movie tropes from a talented guy.

But the real star of the show, in my opinion, was Jenn Snyder from Columbia. She is by her own estimation a “big butchy girl” who says she often gets mistaken for a man, especially in the women’s room. She talked about being a lesbian and how when she died she didn’t want to go to “pasty, white-bread, boring-ass heaven,” she wanted to go to “Gay Hell.” She described Gay Hell in hilarious detail and her high energy style had everyone in Phil’s roaring with laughter. The next time Jenn is in the Queen City you should definitely check her out!

 

By the end of the show, the rain had stopped and my gloomy disposition had evaporated with it. I was smiling a sunny smile as I walked down Tryon and back home to watch netflix until my eyes bled.

 

~Z

 

 

[Interview] Chesney Goodson – Stand Up is No Joke (Or: How I Survived My First Time On Stage)

Comedy is an unforgiving art form. It’s just you and the spot light and the microphone and a crowd of strangers. For introverted people, it is the stuff of nightmares. But for some reason, every night somebody somewhere goes up on stage for the first time. And after that they are never the same. Everyone remembers their first time. But what makes someone keep standing up?

I posed this question to local comedian Chesney Goodson. Chesney is a laid-back, well-dressed, bald young black dude with a well-trimmed beard. He has been doing comedy for five years in Charlotte and has also performed in New York and LA. Recently, he opened for Damon Wayans at the Charlotte Comedy Zone. His energetic stage presence and goofy laugh endears him to audiences everywhere. Chesney is one of those guys who is just as likely to get a laugh with his silly observations on Power Rangers as he is with the story of his attempted suicide. Nothing is off-limits, and everything is side-splittingly funny.

Chesney makes it look easy on stage, but even he had to start somewhere.

“My first time doing comedy was at Skandalos, which was just a Mexican restaurant that every week Tone-X turned into a comedy club,” Chesney said, taking a drag from his cigarette as the birds chirped on his backporch, “I’ll never forget it.”

“I had to go up first because it was my first time. I had just been fired that morning,” he said, “I was confident it would go well, I thought you just go up and be funny and look nice.”

“But I got booed off stage,” Chesney said.

“Because the joke I was doing was already a D.L. Hughley joke. But I never watched comedy so I didn’t know that,” he said, “I was talking about being fired, and how black people fire you different than white people.”

“But later I would come to find out that in black rooms it’s okay to do similar material, ‘cause that’s what everybody else do. I just didn’t sell it properly,” he laughed, “I wasn’t confident in my stealing!”

“How did it feel getting booed?” I asked.

“Oh, it’s just like Chapelle said: ‘oh this ain’t that bad’” Chesney chuckled, “I was like ‘Oh okay, so this is what getting booed feels like!”

“I remember watching Apollo and seeing niggas get booed all the time and I’d be like ‘Damn, that’s so embarrassing. I’d kill myself afterward.’” Chesney said, “But I remember walking off stage and being that nigga that said, ‘Yo I’m not gonna kill myself but…that sucked!’”

“I’ve never been booed before,” I said, “I bet it feels terrible.”

“You know, not really, cause what ended up happening was, I looked around at the motherfuckers booing me and I’m like, ‘Someone need to boo you niggas!’”

“So that’s what I did. I started dissing the audience like ‘Boo you with the picnic table sweater on’. And they started laughing. I started bringing them back. But one guy kept booing me. He said, ‘How many times I got to boo you before you get the point??!’”

“That’s how long they were booing me,” Chesney points out with a chuckle.

“And I said, ‘As many payments as you took up to Eastland mall for that fake-ass Jesus piece you got on!”

By now I was cracking up. “You said that to him?!” I asked.

“Yeah!” Chesney said, “That’s when Tone-X lit the light for me to get off stage…”

I lost it.

“And Tone-X… old scary-ass nigga that he was,” Chesney continued, “When I got off, instead of saying ‘hey this was first time on stage you guys are assholes,’ he said, ‘THAT’S GOD! WHEN YOU GET BOOED THAT MANY TIMES, THAT’S GOD TELLING YOU THAT YOU SUCK!!!’”

I couldn’t believe it! “Who does that?!” I exclaimed.

“Tone-X, this forty year old dude with braces,” Chesney said, “He actually invoked God to tell me how much I sucked.”

“But getting booed was a blessing in disguise,” Chesney added, “Because I could have picked up bad habits that night.”

“After I got off stage there was a guy there, I think it was Corey Manning. He was travelling, and he was like, ‘Yo man, you got some funny stuff. But it just wasn’t right for this room. Don’t just stick to black rooms. You should try mainstream rooms.’ And I remembered I responded like ‘Oh! Okay! Yup! Yup!’ like I knew what he was talking about.”

“But I didn’t know. I had no idea, because I didn’t know anything about comedy,” Chesney said, “I didn’t know anything about the process – or that there even was a process to comedy. That there’s a right way and a wrong way to do it.”

“One thing I learned is when I was getting booed the first thing I thought was, ‘oh yeah, they just don’t like me,” Chesney said, “And I’m not going to go out of my way to make you like me.”

“Which is a good trait…and also a bad trait!” Chesney laughed.

People who know Chesney will realize that this statement could sum up his entire career in Charlotte to this point.

“Yeah, I remember my first time on stage man,” I said, “I didn’t get booed but it kinda felt like I did. I describe it like that dream where you go up in front of the class in your underwear.”

“Yeah, Comedy is just going to work in your underwear,” Chesney related, “I think Jerry Seinfeld said that.

I asked Chesney, “So, after all that, what made you come back to comedy? Why did you go up the second time?”

“Because I realized I wasn’t going to make it as a rapper!” he said, “I wish I believed in myself more, because I’d probably be richer now. I would have sold my soul a long time ago. Like, ‘Fuck it man let’s pop molly!’”

Chesney chuckled.

“But I like the feeling. I like being comfortable, and when I’m on stage I feel comfortable,” Chesney said, “I feel like you can say stuff that you couldn’t normally. People listen to you more.”

“I love relating to strangers,” Chesney explained, “That says a lot. Especially when a black person can go into a room full of different ethnicities and essentially we all come out laughing about the same thing.”

“The joke may be about me, but they can relate to feelings. That’s what I like more than just a funny joke. You related to how I felt, you know what I mean?” Chesney asked, “That’s more powerful than simply putting on a good show because that’s somebody that you remember. Someone you felt like you built something with on stage.”

That pretty much describes how I felt the first time I saw Chesney on stage. He performed the very first night I ever went on stage. I remember hearing him share very personal anecdotes – really touching stuff that you would normally only tell to your closest confidant. I remember thinking that this is what comedy could be. And I realized how far I had yet to go until I was brave enough to do that myself.
Many open-mic comedians joke that stand up comedy is just free group therapy, and they’re not too far off. There’s something addicting about communal confession, not to mention the adrenaline rush of that first laugh.

But fortune favors the brave, and only those who survive that first time on stage can go on to make rooms full of strangers giggle and guffaw.

Stand-Up Comedy is no joke.

 

Blayrious Comedy at Phil’s Tavern 6/18

“Show of hands,” Chesney said, “How many of you have contemplated suicide?”

He giggled as he held his hand up in the front of the dingy bar.

“I know I did. But I remember staring down at that handful of pills, wanting to end it all, when suddenly I thought, ‘Wait! I can’t do this!”

The crowd was rapt with attention, waiting to hear the uplifting, religious thought that must have crossed his mind.

“I have work in the morning. And if I die, that’s a no-call no-show!”

The crowd burst into laughter.

It was the first joke from the first comedian at the “Blayrious” show at Phil’s Tavern on June 18th, and it set the tone for an evening of real stand-up. The type of stand up that can only happen in a dark bar with 50 people crammed into it. No stage, no spot light – just a microphone and a group of strangers eager to laugh.

The show was refreshing for me, having spent the past few weeks reviewing “celebrity” comics on the comparatively lavish stage of the Charlotte Comedy Zone. There, the division between audience and comic is palpable. They are elevated onto a large, well-lit stage, with the spotlight on them and a mural of the Charlotte skyline behind them. They do their routine – the same one they’ve done in every city for the past few months – and then they go to their hotels.

But the atmosphere at Phil’s made no real division between performer and audience. In fact, there were many local comedians in the audience – each asking each other the age old question “Hey, are you going up?”

The show was a well-structured performance featuring Chesney Goodson, Mikee Steinberg, Ryan Van Genderen, Chris Layton, and Todd Riley. The show was produced and hosted by the eponymous and gregarious Blayr Nias.

After Chesney’s hilarious set, Mikee Steinberg took to the mic and related his woes with women – mainly that they won’t stop playing with his fro. Poor ol’ Steinberg’s act consisted of many tales of his ladykilling adventures – that never seem to work out quite how he expected.

Ryan Van Genderen, after enduring a sweet yet awkward intro from the host (who happens to be his girlfriend), killed with his observations on such subjects as race, Wal-Marts, and 2Chainz’s strange burial requests (“Is that an African-American’s sarcophagus here in this gentlemen’s club??”).

For his set, Chris Layton decided to go without the microphone. It was an interesting choice that paid dividends. Not only did some of the side-conversations from random patrons stop, but also it brought the room together in a communal, almost primal fireside story telling kind of way. His jokes were hilarious, as always, but it was really this sense of comedy as one guy talking in front of a room full of strangers that really hit home for me.

Todd Riley rounded out the show with his hilarious observations about life. I had seen him open for Rob Schneider, but the more intimate setting really worked to his advantage.

Blayr did a wonderful job planning, producing and promoting and hosting this show.  No matter where she performs, her beaming smile and warm attitude radiates throughout the room.

Blayr even planned a special food menu with items named after each comedian performing that night. An ingenious invention that surely raised sales of food that night – since each comic and their friends couldn’t help but “vote” with their mouths by ordering the burger of their favorite comedian.

The “Blayrious” show happens every other Wednesday at Phil’s Tavern on the corner of North Tryon and 5th street uptown. I highly encourage you to check out the next one if you’d like to understand what real comedy looks and feels like outside of the Comedy Zone.

blayrious

#BREAKINGNEWS Local Legend Chesney Goodson hosting for Damon Wayans at the Comedy Zone Charlotte!

This weekend only the one and only Chesney Goodson will be hosting for the legendary Damon Wayans this Memorial Day weekend at the Comedy Zone Charlotte! There are two shows a night, the 8 and the 10:15. Be sure to buy tickets in advance, because they WILL sell out this weekend!

Click the picture to go to The Comedy Zone’s website:
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Hey Guys!

If you’re on this page, then you probably know me. But if you don’t, my name is Zach Claywell and I am a retired Stand-Up Comedian in Charlotte, North Carolina. I gave up my lucrative (lol) stage career to focus on my illustrious writing career (lolol).

The Charlotte Comedy Scene is an awesome community made up of many wonderful, diverse, caring, cantankerous, witty, drunk, boisterous and all-around hilarious people.

I love the comedians in Charlotte, and I want you to love them too. That’s why I started LOLCLT. I want people who have never stepped on stage to feel like a part of this young city’s vibrant Charlotte Comedy Scene. 

But mostly, I just wanna help make you laugh out loud, Charlotte. 

Help me help you.

Love,

Zach