Charlotte To Host 2019 NBA All Star Game (As Long As NCGA Doesn’t Screw It Up)

CHARLOTTE, NC: The Charlotte Hornets have officially announced (to everyone except the NCGA) the NBA’s decision to allow Charlotte to host the 2019 NBA All-Star Game.

The NBA All-Star Game was scheduled to be in Charlotte this year, but was pulled by the NBA due to backlash over the North Carolina General Assembly’s HB2 law – better known as the “Bathroom Bill.”

Due to the controversy, the Hornets are urging members of the community to avoid mentioning the game to their state lawmakers.

“We are thrilled the league has awarded NBA All-Star 2019 to the city of Charlotte,” team owner Michael Jordan said in a statement, “As long as no one does anything stupid – coughcoughNCGA – the All-Star weekend will provide a tremendous economic impact to our community while showcasing our city, our franchise and our passionate Hornets fan base to people around the world.”

While Charlotteans should be excited and proud, spokespeople for the NBA are advising to avoid posting the news to social media outlets frequented by state senators.

“Feel free to share the news,” an NBA spokesperson said in a private press conference that barred state lawmakers, “but maybe don’t share it where Senator Phil Berger and the rest of the NCGOP can see it, you know what I mean?”

The controversial HB2 law, which vacated legal protections for LGBT citizens and would have barred transgender individuals from using the bathroom of their choice, was officially repealed after considerable pressure from the NBA, ACC, PayPal, Pearl Jam, and more. The state of North Carolina lost billions as the boycott gained international attention.

“I’m just saying, midterms are next year and we don’t want to give the NCGA any ideas,” Jordan said, “It’s just better if we kept this to ourselves.”

 

One Day

One day it’ll all make sense. We’ll look back on today and laugh – well, maybe not laugh but at least smile bemusedly, shaking our heads with the gentle rebuke that accompanies seeing an embarrassing childhood photograph – “What WERE we thinking?”

One day, we’ll see this moment in history as the prelude to a terrifying, uncertain time. That time right before the certainty came. That time when words came cheap and violence happened to other people. We were so innocent. So naive. What were we so scared of? We didn’t even know. But we would.

One day, we will tell our children about the violence. About the innocent people shot in the street, bleeding live on videos streamed to all of our pockets. Cops, terrorists, deranged men with assault rifles slaughtering unarmed men, women and children in churches, schools, cars, sidewalks, nightclubs. They’ll look wide-eyed in jawdropped horror. “No, that can’t be,” they’ll say, “You’re messing with us. That never happened.”

One day, we’ll look back on the comments, on the tweets, on the blogs, on the multitude of opinions swirling like sharks sensing blood in the water. We’ll read them and cringe – in our minds we were better than that. We are right now and must have been right then, right? It’ll seem so embarrassing that we felt so passionately, thought so wrongly, were so infuriatingly ignorant, hated so openly. Where did this come from? What were we on about?

One day, we will look back and realize how much better we are together than apart.

One day, we’ll unite against the people who have been consistently scheming to keep the status quo – because it benefits them.

One day, our country, our world, will be optimistic again. We’ll look to the stars and see the infinitesimal nature of our species’ tenuous grasp on existence and laugh. We’ll guffaw, giggle, chuckle, chortle, we’ll roll on the floor, slapping our knees, unable to breathe when we think of the brutish, hateful past. It’ll just be too much to imagine ever being real. How could we be so ignorant, violent, rude, and uncompassionate?

One day, we will love each other like we are one human family, and our petty squabbles will be laid to rest – unless we are all laid to rest first.

SATIRE DEAD

World So Absurd Parody Impossible

EVERYWHERE: Comedians everywhere bowed their heads and observed a moment of silence in mourning as the National Association of Comedians (NAC) today declared satire dead.

Satire, the use of irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics, was one of the oldest forms of comedy.

However, recent events including Donald Trump securing the Republican nomination for President, Trayvon Martin’s killer auctioning off his murder weapon, North Carolina’s governor suing the Federal Government over where queer people can poop, and whatever “Blac Chyna” is, have finally eviscerated the venerated style of humor.

“Nowhere to Go”

Comedians cite the sheer lack of possibilities for comedic exaggeration as one cause of the demise of satire.

“For example, how can you make a joke about Donald Trump being President?” said NAC president Charlie Wisenheimer, “What do you exaggerate? His looks? He’s the caricature of a greasy slimeball. His policy positions? Everything he says is painfully hyperbolized- he literally speaks only in superlatives. There’s nowhere to go.”

“Don’t even get me started on these so-called celebrities,” Wisenheimer added, “What can you say about Kanye and Kim Kardashian? Their lives are already elaborate jokes.”

Due to this and countless other ineffably absurd and hopelessly illogical realities, the possibility for creating satire has been extinguished.

World’s Oldest Humor

Satire is often regarded as one of the first forms of comedy – making its debut around the time of Aristophanes wrote the play “The Frogs” in 405 BCE.

Notable satirists include Johnathan Swift, whose famous screed “A Modest Proposal” suggested that overpopulation could be solved by the rich purchasing and eating the infants of the poor.

French philosopher Voltaire vivaciously eviscerated the French aristocracy (and just about everyone else) with his satirical polemics.

In the modern era, Mark Twain frequently employed satire to communicate his criticism of 19th century America. Twain once remarked:”It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.”

Even more recently, shows like “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” and “Last Week Tonight with Jon Oliver” have reinvigorated the idea of political satire in 21st century America.

RIP Satire (400 BCE – 2016 CE)

However, that is all in the past now. The use of humor to illuminate the absurdity of modern society has been crushed by the weight of the actual terrifying nonsensical nature of our current sociopolitical landscape.

“It’s a shame,” NAC president Wisenheimer said, “Because it was just starting to get good. Oh well, I guess when we have a President who was literally the star of his own reality show where he insulted people, then we can just watch stuff like that. It won’t be funny, or insightful, but it’ll be something.”