Charlotte To Host 2019 NBA All Star Game (As Long As NCGA Doesn’t Screw It Up)

CHARLOTTE, NC: The Charlotte Hornets have officially announced (to everyone except the NCGA) the NBA’s decision to allow Charlotte to host the 2019 NBA All-Star Game.

The NBA All-Star Game was scheduled to be in Charlotte this year, but was pulled by the NBA due to backlash over the North Carolina General Assembly’s HB2 law – better known as the “Bathroom Bill.”

Due to the controversy, the Hornets are urging members of the community to avoid mentioning the game to their state lawmakers.

“We are thrilled the league has awarded NBA All-Star 2019 to the city of Charlotte,” team owner Michael Jordan said in a statement, “As long as no one does anything stupid – coughcoughNCGA – the All-Star weekend will provide a tremendous economic impact to our community while showcasing our city, our franchise and our passionate Hornets fan base to people around the world.”

While Charlotteans should be excited and proud, spokespeople for the NBA are advising to avoid posting the news to social media outlets frequented by state senators.

“Feel free to share the news,” an NBA spokesperson said in a private press conference that barred state lawmakers, “but maybe don’t share it where Senator Phil Berger and the rest of the NCGOP can see it, you know what I mean?”

The controversial HB2 law, which vacated legal protections for LGBT citizens and would have barred transgender individuals from using the bathroom of their choice, was officially repealed after considerable pressure from the NBA, ACC, PayPal, Pearl Jam, and more. The state of North Carolina lost billions as the boycott gained international attention.

“I’m just saying, midterms are next year and we don’t want to give the NCGA any ideas,” Jordan said, “It’s just better if we kept this to ourselves.”

 

Charlotte #3 US Banking City: Still #1 in Banker Bros

CHARLOTTE, NC: According to a recent story in the Charlotte Observer, Charlotte is no longer the #2 banking center in the country. Losing the title to San Francisco is a huge blow to the identity of a city built around banking.

But while New York and San Francisco may have Charlotte beat in terms of dollar amounts, they’ll never tarnish the Queen City’s shining cultural jewel: The Banker Bro.

The Banker Bro is a Charlotte institution that has defined the societal milieu of the city since the beginning. Successful, wealthy, confident and khaki-clad, these masters of the universe are worthy of our praise and our vigorous defense.

We visited Fitzgerald’s Uptown to get some Banker Bro reaction to the latest news.

“Dude, like, that’s a total bummer,” said Jake Masterson a junior analyst at Wells Fargo, “But with current market projections the way they are, the st… hold on, Tony is ordering shots. HEY TONE BONE MAKE MINE A DOUBLE HAHA! Sorry, what were we talking about?”

As of press time, the shots had been consumed and another round was being ordered. Down, but never out, the spirit of the Banker Bro, like Charlotte itself, remains defiant and indefatigable.

“It’s Just a Dumb Game” Says Man Whose Life Revolves Around Game

CHARLOTTE, NC: Local sports fan Ben Clementine was admittedly heartbroken over his favorite team losing their opening game of the year, but remained resolute.

“It’s just a stupid game anyway,” said Clementine, who plans his entire life around said game, “It doesn’t even matter.”

Clementine, whose face was painted in the team’s colors while wearing a large wig on game-day, said that even though he is a fan he won’t let his life be affected by it.

“There are so many bigger issues in the world, man,” said Clementine, who can name every player on the 53 man roster going back for 10 years but cannot name his congressman, “At the end of the day you just got to let it go.”

As of press time Clementine, who has missed 3 weddings and the funeral of his great-aunt due to his fandom, was posting nasty messages on opposing teams’ social media accounts, while taking regular breaks for jags of inconsolable sobbing.

“It’s just whatever, you know? I’ve got so much else in my life going on.”

I Ate Nothing But Spider Webs for a Week and Now I Wish I Never Accepted This Internship

When my editor asked me to write this story, at first I thought she was joking. If only. I remember the conversation like it was yesterday, but really it was this time last week:

“Remember that part in Shrek where he eats spiderwebs instead of cotton candy?!,” she chortled in the middle of a meeting about something else entirely.

“Well, yeah I kinda do,” I said apprehensively, knowing that my internship hinged on keeping this unhinged woman happy.

“Oh man, that was the best. And your generation is super into Shrek, right?” she asked.

“Uh, well, I guess so,” I stuttered.

“Oh! You know what would be an awesome piece? ‘I ate nothing but spiderwebs for a week!'” she exclaimed, “Like on Vice! I’d click that!”

I tried to hide my horror and nodded.

“I know! You should write it!”

At first I thought she was messing with me, but her earnest stare pierced through the awkward silence of the conference room, and I was overcome by a horrifying revelation: If I didn’t eat spiderwebs, I’d almost certainly lose my unpaid internship here and I’d never get to be a writer anywhere ever again.

So, I did the only thing I could do: I said yes.

“Great!” my editor exclaimed, “Let me go fish down that cobweb in my office and we can get started!”

Day 1

Well, I suppose you could say the first day started right then and there in my cubicle. My editor poked at the pesky cobweb in the corner of her office with a broom stick, and scuttled her way toward me, broom fully extended like a knight jousting.

“Ewwwwwww!” she yelled as she walked through the cubicle maze to my desk. People from all around the office stood up at their cubes to witness the commotion, murmuring confusedly to each other.

The next thing I knew, there was a spiderweb dangling inches from my face. A crowd had gathered and between their stares and the crazed look in my editor’s eyes I knew I had no choice.

The crowd was chanting, “Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!”. A few were trying to be clever and sing the Weird Al song of the same name. But all I could hear was my own heart beating in my ears.

“Do it!” my editor prodded, “Pretend it’s cotton candy!”

I gently grasped the spiderweb from the end of the broomstick and inched it toward my face. The strings stuck to my chin and nose, but most of the web entered my mouth. I tried to chew, but it mainly just dissolved into sticky nothingness – much to the delight of my jeering coworkers who cheered like they’d seen the game winning play at a sporting event.

The elated crowd eventually dissipated, and my editor patted me on the back and said, “There, that wasn’t so bad was it?!”

1

Eating spider webs is like eating cotton candy only horrible.

Day 2

I showed up to the office the next day feeling quite embarrassed. People whispered and giggled as I walked to my desk.

Taped to my computer monitor was printout of a 60’s Spiderman meme.

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I tore down and crumpled up the paper, only to notice a small shoebox on my desk that I’d never seen before. It was blank expect for the word “lunch” scribbled on the top in sharpie. I reluctantly opened it, and to my horror it was filled to the brim with densely packed spiderwebs, teeming with squiggling spiders trying to escape.

I inadvertently let out a scream, and this is when my editor walked by.

“Oh hey! I see you got your lunch for today!” she said, smiling. She kept walking, laughing to herself.

Later that day, we had our weekly staff meeting which is normally held over lunch from my favorite sandwich place.

I reached for sandwich and suddenly felt a hand on my wrist.

“What do you think you’re doing?” my editor said, “I already packed your lunch!”

She handed me the box of spiderwebs and a spoon, and proceeded to watch me eat it in front of the entire office. I struggled to hold back tears as each sticky strand stuck to my face, collecting like slimecoated hairballs in the back of my throat. I could hardly breathe. I felt spiders crawling on my tongue and lips trying to escape their awful fate, but to no avail.

After the box was empty and the laughter died down, the meeting continued as scheduled.

spiders

Day 3

The next day I came to work a broken man.  People who were laughing at me yesterday now looked at me with a terror they would normally reserve for a serial killer or a deranged homeless man. Most averted their eyes.

I managed to go the entire day without eating anything, and snuck out the back door at the end of the day to avoid my webbed fate.

I made it home and finally relaxed. I decided that I deserved some real food. Fuck this assignment. I ordered a pizza. I put on Netflix and chilled until the pizza arrived.

When the delivery guy came to the door, he gave me my pizza box but seemed like he was holding back laughter.

I looked down at my pants to see if I was wearing any – which had been an issue before – but I was indeed fully clothed.

I tipped him and took the pizza inside, but noticed that the box was suspiciously light.

Just then a spider scuttled out of the box. I dropped it, and when I did I saw that it was jam packed with spider webs!

Day 4

I tried to just go on with my day as normal, but every restaurant in the entire city had a picture of me and was told not to serve me anything but spider webs.

At work, they set up a cotton candy machine that they used to make giant spider web balls for me to eat. They even put them on cupcakes and made a whole Halloween themed spread. They laughed maniacally as I ate it.

Spider's Den Trunk or Treat (3 of 25)

Day 5

So. Hungry. Spies. Everywhere. Can’t. Eat. Food. Just. Spider. Webs.

Day 6

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sjkdphapoh073073 jnfd;ajdf?!!?!?!??!!??!!??!?!?!?!?!

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“Why do you keep eating my home?”

Day 7

“You did it!” she happily exclaimed after I slurped up the last of the spiderwebs on my desk, “How do you feel?!”

“Honestly? I feel like I want to die,” I groaned weakly, “I hate you, and I should never have taken this stupid internship.”

She cackled with delight, “Save it for the article, bud! It’s gonna be great!”

 

God On Acid

Religious Leaders Confirm Creator Of Universe Trippin’ Pretty Hard Right Now

EARTH: Religious Leaders including Pope Francis I, His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, The Archbishop of Canterbury, Bartholomew I of Constantinople, The Jathedar of Akal Takht, and various leading Rabbis, Muftis , Clerics, Imams, Pastors, Priests, Preachers, and that jerk from Scientology have all determined that God is on drugs.

Spiritual leaders came to this conclusion through their observations of world events and their religious interactions with the Divine Ruler of the Universe that confirm that He is, like, totally trippin’ His face off right now.

“The Lord has revealed through His divine grace, that He is wacked out of His freakin’ gourd,” said Pope Francis in a speech from the Vatican, “Seriously, He’s  trippin’ balls.”

Citing recent unprecedented and historic events such as the violent attempted coup in Turkey, climate change, the Brexit vote, Pokemon Go and whatever the hell is going on with Donald Trump – religious leaders of all faiths are quite certain that our Lord and Savior is high as a damn kite.

“The other day, I was praying to our Lord in the usual way,” Bartholomew I said, “And I heard His voice! Hallelujah! But then I realized what he was saying. ‘Dude, what if I microwaved a burrito so hot EVEN I COULDN’T EAT IT!’… He then proceeded to laugh for like, twenty minutes.”

The Creator of the Universe could not be reached for comment, but as of press time He had 3 children walk off of a cliff while playing Pokemon Go, which experts interpret as some kind of statement on the allegations.

“All I know is I don’t want to be around when He comes down…” His Holiness The Dalai Lama said, “Whew boy! That’s gonna be one hell of a mess!”

Prayers For [INSERT TRAGEDY HERE]

Today, we are all united in mourning for the tragic and senseless loss of life in [NAME OF CITY]. Once again, [POLICE / TERRORISTS / A NATURAL DISASTER / A DERANGED LONE GUNMAN / A MAN DRIVING A TRUCK THROUGH A CROWDED STREET / OTHER] took the live[s] of [AN] innocent [UNARMED BLACK MAN / GAY NIGHTCLUB ATTENDEES / IMPOVERISHED COMMUNITIES / SCHOOLCHILDREN / PEOPLE ON THE STREET / OTHER].

Our world is aghast by the grizzly details that have been circulating online and in the news. We are horrified by the images of violence and death that have been inescapable these harrowing hours. We will never forget where we were when we heard about [NAME OF TRAGEDY].

Most of all, we want to keep the family[ies] of the victim[s] in our thoughts and prayers. Long after the news cameras leave [NAME OF CITY], the family[ies] will have to live with the eternal pain of knowing that their loved one[s] would still be with us if not for today’s events. No amount of words can replace the love that was lost in today’s heartbreaking tragedy.

It seems like we’re in a state of perpetual mourning. Once we start to heal from the wounds of one man-made tragedy, another horrifying act of violence is ready to pick the scab and start the bleeding anew.

We must not sit idly by while [POLICE / TERRORISTS / NATURAL DISASTERS / DERANGED LONE GUNMEN / OTHER] ruin our world and endanger the safety of our families. If we want to leave a better world for our children, we must unite today to fight for effective change that can make a lasting impact on the future of our planet.

If we do not act decisively now, then the horrifying loss of life today will have been in vain. We are better than this. Do it for [NAME OF CITY].

Inflammatory Headline Provokes Heated Reaction

Unread Article’s Provocative Headline Gives Commenters Just Enough to Rant About

Charlotte, NC: Based on the content of the headline alone, hundreds of internet commentators somehow had just enough information to form wildly biased and inaccurate arguments today. Despite the article having 0 views, social media users found countless ways to insult, berate and chide each other through the use of GIFs, memes, hashtags, and illogical, misspelled missives.

The humble headline, though only 5 words long, incited heated reactions on both sides of the issue, who resorted to name-calling and immature mudslinging within minutes of the article going up.

Many raised objections to the publishing of the article itself, though they had not read it.

“Can’t belive this libtard rag published ANOTHER stupid post. Unfollowed!” one comment vented.

“Typical convservative BS! Learn to spell before you embarrass yourself more, idiot! #DeleteURAccount” responded another.

Many used the headline as a prompt to bring up unrelated issues that were, in their minds, tangentially related.

“Oh great, first this and than they’ll come to take away are guns. Whatever happened to freedom?! #ThanksObama” an anonymous commenter added, though the article he or she didn’t read did not mention guns in any conceivable way.

“Maybe they shud take away ur guns, butthole! Have u been watching the news? Grow up.” responded an another anonymous account.

Though the reactions were ignorant, uninformed nonsense, the publisher of the article is collecting the feedback for use in a future article. They plan to make a slideshow of every angry tweet in an attempt to increase views for their advertisers.

As of press time, no evidence points to the article having been read.

 

5 Tips To A Healthy Life No One Will Ever Read

If you’re like many of us, you want to get healthy but can’t figure out how! There are so many blogs dedicated to helping find a healthier you, but no one ever reads them and no one will ever read this either so what’s the point?

Without further ado, here are the top five health tips that you can do today to make your life better, but you won’t because no one will ever even read this useless blog!

No one will ever see this, so why am I even bothering to put in alt text?

This is a stock photo of a woman drinking water. It’s the featured image on a blog no one will ever read.

1. Drink Water

Did you know that most people don’t drink enough water? You probably did know that, actually, because there are literally millions of useless blogs out there that state this daily. You should drink 8 cups of water a day. If you need to read a blog to tell you to drink water, you’re probably already dead because no one will even read this. But, hey I did search for an hour looking for a stock photo of a woman drinking water, so that’s something I guess. I wonder what she’s up to right now? Does she know her face is attached to this useless garbage?

2. Exercise

Exercise is a great way to get exercise! It has many health benefits, unlike this blog which is of no benefit at all except to this website’s SEO score. Speaking of SEO did you know fitness, jogging, running, swimming, biking, and lifting weights are all types of exercise? Yes, yes you did know that and even if you didn’t, you don’t know it now because you’re not reading this.

3. Eat Small Meals

A number of small meals each day is a good tip that I stole from some other blog that no one ever read for this blog that no one will ever read. Does anyone ever do this? “Oh, I know what I’ll do,” said no one ever, “I’ll read this blog and then do what it says and completely change all my eating habits.” Man, this blog is so freakin’ pointless. Good thing you aren’t reading it!

4. Take Breaks

Sitting all day at work can be bad for your health. Especially if your job is writing stupid blog content on a page no one will ever even visit. I could literally say anything right now and it wouldn’t matter because no one will read this. Did you know that reading blogs causes cancer? Nope, you don’t know that because you would have to read this and also it’s not true.

5. Meditate

Yeah, I’m sure that this is the blog that you’ll read that will finally make you start meditating. Yup. This is it. This blog. Looking to make a huge life change? This blog is the place to find it. I really don’t know why I’m even writing this. Will it help my Search Engine Result Page (SERP) ranking? Meh, probably not. Even if it does, who cares? If a million people visit this site, then I’ll just have to write more stupid bullshit articles like this one that no one will even read.

Follow these five steps and you’ll be the first person in history to ever actually read such a abjectly needless SEO blog post and benefit in any way! I hate my life.

SATIRE DEAD

World So Absurd Parody Impossible

EVERYWHERE: Comedians everywhere bowed their heads and observed a moment of silence in mourning as the National Association of Comedians (NAC) today declared satire dead.

Satire, the use of irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics, was one of the oldest forms of comedy.

However, recent events including Donald Trump securing the Republican nomination for President, Trayvon Martin’s killer auctioning off his murder weapon, North Carolina’s governor suing the Federal Government over where queer people can poop, and whatever “Blac Chyna” is, have finally eviscerated the venerated style of humor.

“Nowhere to Go”

Comedians cite the sheer lack of possibilities for comedic exaggeration as one cause of the demise of satire.

“For example, how can you make a joke about Donald Trump being President?” said NAC president Charlie Wisenheimer, “What do you exaggerate? His looks? He’s the caricature of a greasy slimeball. His policy positions? Everything he says is painfully hyperbolized- he literally speaks only in superlatives. There’s nowhere to go.”

“Don’t even get me started on these so-called celebrities,” Wisenheimer added, “What can you say about Kanye and Kim Kardashian? Their lives are already elaborate jokes.”

Due to this and countless other ineffably absurd and hopelessly illogical realities, the possibility for creating satire has been extinguished.

World’s Oldest Humor

Satire is often regarded as one of the first forms of comedy – making its debut around the time of Aristophanes wrote the play “The Frogs” in 405 BCE.

Notable satirists include Johnathan Swift, whose famous screed “A Modest Proposal” suggested that overpopulation could be solved by the rich purchasing and eating the infants of the poor.

French philosopher Voltaire vivaciously eviscerated the French aristocracy (and just about everyone else) with his satirical polemics.

In the modern era, Mark Twain frequently employed satire to communicate his criticism of 19th century America. Twain once remarked:”It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.”

Even more recently, shows like “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” and “Last Week Tonight with Jon Oliver” have reinvigorated the idea of political satire in 21st century America.

RIP Satire (400 BCE – 2016 CE)

However, that is all in the past now. The use of humor to illuminate the absurdity of modern society has been crushed by the weight of the actual terrifying nonsensical nature of our current sociopolitical landscape.

“It’s a shame,” NAC president Wisenheimer said, “Because it was just starting to get good. Oh well, I guess when we have a President who was literally the star of his own reality show where he insulted people, then we can just watch stuff like that. It won’t be funny, or insightful, but it’ll be something.”

Parenting: EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IS KILLING YOUR KIDS!!!!

mom blogger

LOLCLT Mommy Blogger: Cheryl DeHough

You see it a lot: blogs telling you that this food or that toy is going to literally kill your child. News reports on television warn parents to watch out for creeps trying to kidnap their children. Every day millions of people online discuss the dangers of toxic chemicals that are hidden in everyday products. WELL GUESS WHAT IT’S ALL TRUE! EVERY WORD OF IT!!! YOU SHOULD FREAK THE HELL OUT RIGHT NOW!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LITERALLY EVERYTHING IS KILLING YOUR KIDS

From their toys, to their food to the air that they breathe, every single thing on the entire planet Earth is currently attempting to MURDER YOUR INFANT. If there is an item that physically exists in the metaphysical realm in which we inhabit, it is currently hatching a sinister plan to slowly and violently destroy the precious life that you are working to nurture.

How did this happen? How did everything become so deadly?

EVERYTHING IS MADE OF POISONOUS CHEMICALS

Chemicals are an undetectable killer. Lead, formaldehyde, carbon monoxide, BPA, sodium, parabens, proplyene glycol, gasoline, radioactive waste, Teflon, and battery acid are all examples of toxic chemicals that ARE IN EVERYTHING IN YOUR HOME! These insidious molecules are currently COURSING THROUGH THE VEINS OF YOUR BELOVED LITTLE ONES. If you or your baby have ever worn, eaten, or breathed near ANYTHING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD then that means that there are CHEMICALS IN YOUR BODY RIGHT NOW!

EVERYONE IS PLOTTING TO STEAL YOUR BABY

It’s not just objects that you have to worry about, EVERY OTHER HUMAN BEING ON THE PLANET is right now CONSPIRING TO ABDUCT YOUR CHILD. Everyone, including me, your spouse, all of your friends and family members, every parent and teacher at your child’s school, the clergy and parishioners of your church, and everyone who has ever played for the Denver Broncos is at this exact moment SCHEMING TO KIDNAP your kid. We meet on Tuesdays.

But even if you protect your children from everything and everyone on the planet, there is still one killer that is in your midst right this very moment. In the room with you RIGHT NOW AS YOU’RE READING THIS! A MURDERER IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU AND YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW IT!!!

THE INEXORABLE MARCH OF TIME MURDERS US ALL

Yes, that’s right, even if you could somehow protect your children form the myriad external dangers, the internal biological clock that regulates their body – their heart and their brain and all of their vital organs – is slowly deteriorating and will continue to disintegrate into nothing over the course of time. YOUR BODY IS YOUR ENEMY AND IT IS KILLING YOU AND YOUR CHILD FROM WITHIN!!!

READING THIS ARTICLE WILL HURT YOUR FAMILY

The electromagnetic wave vibrations emitted by this electronic device is penetrating your corneas and causing untold damage to your brain tissue. THIS ARTICLE WILL GIVE YOU BRAIN CANCER STOP READING IT RIGHT NOW OH MY GOD I’M WRITING IT THAT’S EVEN WORSE AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!